Last night was the final installment of the continuously protracted Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion special. But this time it wasn't really about all the ladies. No, it was about our star. It was about Kim Richards.
If the Republican debates are the second greatest televised spectacle about matters that are only slightly abutting reality, then the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion specials are the first. Here is a ranking of how each woman fared in last night's fiasco.
Last night when fortifying myself for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, I realized it had a lot in common with that other great reality show of this year: the Republican Debates. Yes, there will be a million of them, everyone in attendance is ridiculous, nothing will get decided, and there will be a lot of yelling across the room.
A long time ago, in a kingdom far far away, there lived a pretty princess named Kim. Princess Kim was the most beautiful rich and famous girl in the whole Magic Kindgom. But one day, a living mouse took away everything she had and left her completely ruined. Come, children. Listen to the sad, sad story of Princess Kim.
Oooooh snap, girlfriend honeychild, Taylor and Russell broke up. MMMhhhmmm. And now Russell is dead. And we had to watch it. It's just another night here on Paradise Island of the Beverly Hills Housewives, where everything is vacations and parties and too-small bikinis. Yes, no one has a care in the world.
There are those moments where your life changes in an instant and you don't see it coming: a mugging, an accident, the phone call that a family member has died. You were just having a wonderful day and then—slam—something snaps and all the gears come tumbling out of the watch in a comical and tragic disarray. That's sort of what happened to Taylor and Russell last night. The carousel finally stopped.
Last night was a good old-fashioned Western in the rolling hills of Beverly. There were cowboys and showdowns and horses and homes on the range and even some wenches in fancy corsets. But when high noon came none of the little dogies could get along.