Louis Peitzman · 08/13/12 09:56PM

Robert Pattinson's first public comment post-Kristen Stewart's affair: "I intend not to say anything."

Robsten Update: Rupert Sanders Meets with Wife for First Time Since the Affair Became Public, Robert Pattinson Goes Out to a Club and Probably Mopes About

Taylor Berman · 08/07/12 10:12PM

Lots of speculation at this point, but here's what we know: Rupert Sanders met with his estranged model wife Liberty Ross earlier today. The building where they met has offices inside, and apparently two of those offices are rented by professional marriage counselors. Yesterday, Ross was seen walking around without her wedding ring, and later that day she was seen standing near an unidentified man who was holding a phone.

Hussy Whorish Hollywood Vampire-Banger Was Not a Virgin in Real Life!

Hamilton Nolan · 08/01/12 08:45AM

Angry self sin-loathing heterosexual human sexuality sex columnist Andrea Peyser has long supported strong role models for young teenage girls of America who want nothing more than to lead a simple life involving simulated rape scenes with vampires within the confines of a traditional marriage. Well. Andrea has some very, very sad news to break to you, tween-age aspiring vampire fuckers: that movie Twilight was apparently not a documentary.

Fact: Kristen Stewart Was Banging Rupert Sanders for Months

Leah Beckmann · 07/30/12 11:16AM

Kristen Stewart has made a cuckold of Robert Pattinson. But how long was the affair going on before she and Sanders got caught? Sources close to Stewart maintained that it started just weeks ago, but also that she and Sanders had only made out; does this look like the arching back of someone who only just made out? No way.

The Whole World's a Sex Dungeon for Kristen Stewart and Her Married Human Lover [Update]

Caity Weaver · 07/27/12 05:45PM

Ed. Note: Unfortunately, we were asked to take down the photographs which originally ran with this story. However, since the way Caity's story is constructed requires corresponding images in order for it to make any sort of sense, we've just made Jim Cooke illustrate the ones we originally used. He's very disappointed with the results because he was rushed and insisted we say 'Bad Drawings by Jim Cooke.' But instead we will acknowledge his heroic patience and say that we think his renderings are better than the original photographs taken by some slimy paparazzi person hiding in a tree anyway.

Dejected Vampire Boy Just Packed His Bags And Left Kristen Stewart Due to Her Human Flaws, Mag Says

A.J. Daulerio · 07/26/12 01:50PM

So it appears that this was just too much for Robert Pattinson to take as People claims he's "heartbroken and angry" after Kristen Stewart's foolish tryst with the married man who directed Snow White and The Seven Huntsmen. People even quotes one of those phantoms "close to the situation" and the news is dire: "I'm not sure they'll be able to recover from this, " they told the mag. Somebody make somebody a mix tape before true love chokes and dies.