Remember 2012? Love was in the air, and the sense that our country and the world were hurtling toward some irreversible catastrophe was not—not yet, anyway. But disaster was on the horizon for at least two people in America, and there was no closer observer of their decline than future GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump.
Rare vampire-lemon hybrid Kristen Stewart's strapless dress slipped down during a presentation at the Hollywood Film Awards over the weekend, leaving her nipples visible underneath a mesh top. This is apparently hugely embarrassing because it happened in front of her ex-boyfriend, Hashtag TeamEdward.
Do you absolutely love playing chess but you are a giant bigger than a schoolhouse so every time you pick up a bishop or rook from a set designed for humans, it crumbles to dust in your hands? Perhaps you should consider purchasing frowning icon Kristen Stewart’s childhood home, which is ugly as sin and will surely give you nightmares, but does boast an oversized chess set in the backyard. I guess it depends how committed you are to playing a giant game of chess.
K-11, the directorial debut of Kristen Stewart's mom Jules Stewart, is like a weird nightmare you just woke up from, in which you went to jail, watched someone shit out a balloon full of coke, stared at No.2 pencil-drawn chola eyebrows for way too long, heard someone howl, "I want a jailhouse fuck and I want it now!" while never quite grasping why anyone is doing what they're doing, ever. And did you get buttfucked? It's too fuzzy to be sure. It's the B-est, gayest, longest episode of Oz. It's madness, borderline camp and it seems to be aiming for something as sleazily quotable as Showgirls. It can't touch those debased heights, but any movie featuring an old, effete prisoner shouting, "I ain't leavin' here without my laxative! I'm in pain, god damn it!" either knows what it's doing or at least is wise enough to stay out of its own ridiculous way.
A broken piñata shaped like a dinosaur. An HP LaserJet printer infested with bed bugs. An old, empty potato chip bag they found under the bleachers. All of these things would make for a better lay than Kristen Stewart, a millionaire movie star currently in her peak fertility age, according to a recent survey of British men.