Cheez Is Healthy, For the Right Price

Hamilton Nolan · 03/24/15 08:53AM

Though I enjoy a good slice of American Cheez Food Product as much as the next unsophisticated child, I would not be so bold as to declare that product to be "healthy." Prestigious nutritionists bound to differ!

Velveeta Shortage Threatens Our National Cheez Supply

Hamilton Nolan · 01/07/14 09:42AM

Attention, readers: this is not a test. This is not a drill. Please, without panicking, stop what you are doing and make your way to the nearest supermarket. Now. America may—and we stress may—be running out of Velveeta.

Food Engineers Now Making Your Burger Look Cool, Casual, Real

Maggie Lange · 06/18/13 10:34AM

Like a pair of pre-ripped jeans from Abercrombie or a distressed logo tee from Zazzle, America's food conglomerates are embracing a more easy breezy natural look when it comes to your food. And as expected, making processed food seem unprocessed involves more processing.

Which Companies Are Using Aborted Human Fetuses in Their Food?

Max Read · 01/25/12 06:12PM

Last week, Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey introduced a bill that would ban "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." But which foods or products use aborted human fetuses? Let's investigate.

Kool Aid Wants Hispanic People Drinking Nothing But Kool Aid

Hamilton Nolan · 05/27/11 10:25AM

For too long, Hispanic Americans have been forced to tolerate a world in which artificial food products were not advertised to them with satisfactory ferocity. No longer. You Spanish-speakin' people want some dang Kool Aid? We gotcher Kool Aid!

Food: Now Dumber

Hamilton Nolan · 05/05/08 09:44AM

American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even!