Distracted White People Mistakenly Vote for Slavery Reparations

Adam Weinstein · 06/19/14 10:20AM

Dallas County, population 2.5 million, now officially stands for "monetary and substantial reparations" for black Americans' suffering, after the County Commission summarily approved a resolution by its only black member that the white commissioners never bothered to read.

James Joyce Likely Had Syphilis From Prostitutes, New Book Says

Adam Weinstein · 06/03/14 11:20AM

James Joyce—literary titan, slayer of Victorian shibboleths, bane of schoolchildren the world over—was probably crippled and blinded by hooker-caused syphilis, according to new medical and documentary evidence uncovered by a Harvard researcher.

Sexist Dentist Creeps on Patient, Patient Shames Him in Online Letter

Adam Weinstein · 04/25/14 01:20PM

Hey there, sweetness. No cavities. You are a great flosser. But why don't you smile more? I bet it's 'cause of this little gap here in your cute little bunny teeth. No, here. Open up, let me show you. I've got just the thing you need. Your boss'll give you a raise! Just lie back and let me take care of it.

Adam Weinstein · 02/21/14 01:27PM

Florida man "shoots himself in leg after leaving gun safety class" because Florida, man.

Adam Weinstein · 02/13/14 03:20PM

The former executive director of Project Veritas, conservative ratfucker extraordinaire James O'Keefe's investigative outfit, is suing O'Keefe and the company for "wrongful termination," alleging breach of contract and defamation. Hopefully, there's a highly doctored video involved somehow.

When Stealing, Do Not Be Too Greedy

Hamilton Nolan · 11/14/12 10:00AM

If you run a convenience store, and someone purchases a winning scratch-off lottery ticket worth $5 million, and you decide that you want to steal it, it seems downright greedy, even in the context of a ripoff, to do this:

Rich Bastard Disproves Karma With $200 Million Year

Hamilton Nolan · 03/16/12 09:47AM

Private equity kingpin and walking manifestation of bad PR for the top 1% Stephen Schwarzman had a great, great year this year. This rich, selfish bastard—who compared a plan to raise taxes on private equity firms to Hitler invading Poland, and who stated that his number one New Year's wish, in the midst of the worst recession in a century, was to create a "tax-free zone" for wealthy foreign nationals in New York—had an outstanding 2011, compensation-wise.

Child Who Abuses Lizard Gets What He Deserves

Christopher Han · 12/07/10 09:30AM

A kid this young - it's not his fault. However, if you hit a lizard one too many times, it's going to retaliate. If the first 51 seconds disturb you, the last 10 will not!