Lacey Donohue · 11/14/13 11:25PM

In what must be alarming news for clueless parents, it turns out that letting your children binge eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos can cause gastritis. A snack that burns tongues, dyes fingers red, and makes it look like you're shitting blood is harmful? No way, not possible.

Fried Chicken Chips Combine America's Three Greatest Passions

Hamilton Nolan · 06/13/12 08:28AM

If the average American had his way, every item that he encountered on a day-to-day basis—cars, household appliances, furniture, children—would be breaded, fried, and then cut into "chip" size for purposes of snacking convenience. Also, all of the aforementioned things would be made of chicken. The great folks in the fast food industry are doing everything in their power to make this "American Dream" come true.

What Kind of Crap Should Be in School Vending Machines?

Hamilton Nolan · 02/21/12 12:05PM

Are school vending machines causing obesity amongst America's youth? Haha, haha, yeah right. Eating one dozen Cadbury "Creme" eggs in the closet at midnight while typing furiously on Twitter is causing obesity amongst America's youth. Still, every little calorie saved helps, when it comes to our corn-syrup-addicted children. The government is setting new guidelines for what can be in school vending machines. What (vending machine) food should be put on (the kids in) our families (in school)?

Hostess Bankrupt; Ding Dongs in Peril

Hamilton Nolan · 01/11/12 10:42AM

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q's, Sno Balls, Zingers, and Donettes, among other god damn delicious products, is bankrupt. For the second time in eight years. Labor costs, debt load, flour prices, blah blah blah. What will it take to save Hostess? Will it take Hostess sending out cases of its delicious products out to various popular online media sites, to "build buzz?" Now is the time to find out.

Doritos Inventor to be Buried with Doritos

Seth Abramovitch · 09/27/11 12:39AM

Snacking on Doritos is typically discouraged at funerals, as the loud crunch of the popular junk food tends to drown out heartfelt eulogies and generally detract from the somber mood of the occasion. But this will not be the case at Arch West's funeral, the former Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with first pitching the company with the idea of producing a seasoned, mass-market tortilla chip back in 1961. (He did not invent the tortilla chip itself, mind you — credit for that goes to Rebecca Carranza, who accidentally created them after she inherited a malfunctioning tortilla machine in Los Angeles in the late 1940s.)

America Demands Slightly More Expensive Burgers

Hamilton Nolan · 09/26/11 12:36PM

Americans are not the sort of slobs who are satisfied with simply consuming a drab, tasteless burger in a hobo-infested fast food restaurant hastily rebranded as a "cafe." Americans are the sort of slobs who want their burgers fast—but casual. Americans want a slightly wider selection of toppings available on their burgers, and they want to consume those burgers in a very slightly more attractive setting than a Burger King bathroom. Americans demand this!

Study: Eating Potato Chips Makes You Fat

Jeff Neumann · 06/23/11 05:25AM

The results of a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine about weight loss will blow your mind. By analyzing the eating and exercise habits of 120,877 people over many years, doctors have concluded that downing a whole bag of potato chips makes you fat faster than just about anything else, ice cream and soda included.

Are Our Soldiers Using the Proper Crash Diets?

Hamilton Nolan · 12/08/10 04:25PM

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!