Last Call

Douglas Reinhardt · 10/31/08 07:00PM

Click to Popular TV doc Katherine Heigl nearly passed out on the red carpet after catching a whiff of her beloved pooch’s breath. Heigl knew her dog’s breath was going to be rather intense, but she obviously underestimated the strength of it. Heigl said, “Looks like we’ll have to up Ronaldo’s brushings to five times a day like his mommy.” Heigl also mentioned she will most likely introduce an intensive program similar to the program she introduced to break rocker husband Joshua Kelley of his bad single-man habits. Heigl added, “It took two weeks, but he learned to love sitting down while going pee.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Not Even Katherine Heigl Can Stop Traffic These Days

Douglas Reinhardt · 10/14/08 02:48PM

Click to Hot TV doc Katherine Heigl struggled greatly as she attempted to flag down a valet, taxicab, party van or any other motorist in Los Angeles on Monday night. The Bug Buster star was anxious to get back home to catch the latest episode of The Hills since she forgot to record it and rocker hubby Joshua Kelley was off somewhere singing for his supper. After fifteen minutes of arm waving and jumping up and down, Heigl felt that her glasses may have been the problem. Heigl tossed her Tina Fey shades aside and began the quest for attention again. Sadly, the removal of the glasses did not improve Heigl’s chances. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

What Can I Get For A Dollar?

Douglas Reinhardt · 09/12/08 12:20PM

Click to Evidence that even the famous are feeling the sting of the current economic crunch was displayed when Grey’s Anatomy star Katherine Heigl was spotted holding a dollar bill in Los Feliz yesterday. Heigl is interested in refurnishing her home, but she has to stick to her budget. Heigl said, “I feel like that kid in front of the ice cream truck just yelling, ‘What can I get for such and such’. Nobody has been that helpful so far. Just a lot of eye rolling and comments about how I should save it for the valet.” That said, Heigl’s strict budgeting has not affected the necessities. Heigl added, “We’re going to get the biggest HDTV they have at Best Buy. Maybe we’ll be able to write that off as a business expense since I have to see how I look in Hi-Def and all. I heard that I shouldn’t have anything to worry about.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Always Stretch Before Shopping

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/12/08 02:55PM

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory star Katherine Heigl performed a bit of light calisthenics before embarking on a shopping expedition in Santa Monica on Tuesday morning. You see, Heigl got bit of a charlie horse the last time she went to Barney's in Beverly Hills, which left her in a surly mood for a few days afterwards. Heigl said, "That injury really knocked the wind out of my sails. I could barely walk for a few days afterwards. It was great having everybody helping me out. Joshua make daily runs over to the House Of Pies for the chocolate crème pie. It was nice, but I was bit of a pill and there's no need for a repeat performance."

Shocker! Katherine Heigl Wants A Baby, Whether Joshua Is Ready Or Not

Mark Graham · 08/08/08 06:15PM

Ah yes, the dog days of summer. These are the kind of days where nothing sounds finer than sitting 'round the backyard with a few of your closest chums, tossing back a few cold ones and firing up the grill. But this weekend, instead of cooking up some Hebrew Nationals and a few burgers, might we suggest that you bring all the fixins for a nice Dirt Sandwich instead? The ingredients are pretty simple, and you can't beat the calorie count: all you need is an internet connection, a computer and an internet browser that's pointed right here. If you have a laptop computer and a WiFi connection then, well, that's even better. Gather your friends round the warm light of your computer screen and click play. Because nothing says summer time like topless supermodels, a John Stamos marathon make out sesh and Katherine Heigl's continued emasculation of her husband Joshua. Enjoy!

Hollywood Privacywatch: Francis Ford Coppola Not Impressed With Pauly Shore's Resume

Mark Graham · 08/07/08 05:50PM

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT] (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Pauly Shore awkwardly engage Francis Ford Coppola in conversation at a Vegas nightclub.

If It Weren't For Those Silly No-Smoking, No-Cursing Rules, Katherine Heigl Would Totally Go Mormon

Molly Friedman · 07/25/08 07:30PM

Katherine Heigl has never failed to shock us, whether she’s yapping about her highly tuned gaydar or wearing dresses made out of The Darjeeling Limited's costume leftovers. But her latest comments on her childhood spent growing up Mormon suggest that, on top of burning Emasculated Husband Joshua Kelley’s pinky finger and forcing him to wait until the very second her biological clock beeps “Procreate!” to have kids, she may even make the poor guy raise said kids Big Love-style. As she recently told a British tab:

Cantankerous Old Man Tells Heigl & Friends To Get Off His Property!

Douglas Reinhardt · 07/16/08 12:15PM

Bride Of Chucky star Katherine Heigl and husband/rocker Joshua Kelley ran into a bit of trouble with an old man while on way to the Coldplay concert. The commotion began when Heigl made a stop in an Los Angeles area neighborhood to pick up an friend. As soon as she stepped out of the car, Heigl was greeted by paparazzi and fans taking pictures. The old man, reportedly named Mr. Johnson, came out storming out of his 2 bedroom ranch when the flashbulbs and clamor made it nearly impossible for him and his wife, Gertrude, to watch America's Got Talent. Mr. Johnson told Heigl that if she didn't leave by the count of ten, he would turn the hose on them. A panicked Joshua Kelley grabbed Heigl and headed into the car, explaining that he didn't want to get his hair wet.

John Mayer Having A Hard Time Deciding Whether The Cameras or 'Clingy' Jennifer Aniston Is More Important

Molly Friedman · 06/30/08 07:40PM

Sadly, not all girly song-writing musicians are as easily whipped into shape as Joshua Kelley Heigl. And Jennifer Aniston is discovering this pesky factoid the hard way. In an attempt to gather some overseas materials for her inevitable post break-up scrapbooking sesh, Aniston reportedly spent much of John Mayer’s Hyde Park concert “snapping pictures,” tapping her foot and showering him with over-enthusiastic embraces and forced PDA as soon as he got a moment to relax. In short? “Clingy” Jennifer is back, and it only takes one photo frighteningly reminiscent of Ben Affleck’s passion-void camera-centric “kiss” to Jennifer Lopez in 2003 to signal trouble on the horizon. More details surrounding Aniston’s steadily approaching familiar descent towards relationship desperation after the jump.

Swindlers, Sex Tapes And Coreys

Mark Graham · 06/27/08 09:00PM

· Things we learned at the Los Angeles Film Festival this week. School Of Rock 2 isn't a pipe dream. Guillermo del Toro isn't going to milk The Hobbit. Women deserve equal talk show hosting rights, too. Nobody wanted to make Animal House. Chris Carter is as secretive as ever. Did somebody order stake?
· The battle between the Paps and the Surfs was kinda like the Greasers versus the Socs, only with the newly blackberry-less Matthew McConaughey playing the role of Dally. But what of the rematch?
· Mini-Me showed the world his mini-me, which should help him knock down that large tax debt.
· Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway's sketchball ex, got pinched for attempting to defraud God. A judge set bail at $21 million, but who's gonna take care of the dog?
· Mary Kate Olsen de-pruned herself long enough to convince Dave Letterman that her old arch enemy Spencer Pratt is, indeed, a prat.
· No one was safe as we counted down the Hollywood's Top Ten Worst Kissers.
· Wall-E manged to get fatties and Republicans up in arms without saying a word.
· Whoa, who raped the Coreys? One mystery solved, one to go.
· AC Slater found himself embroiled in Chesthairgate.
· The Emasculation of Joshua continued, as Katherine Heigl used her whipped husband as an ashtray and made him curl her hair. Joshua did not escape unscathed.
· You can ongratulate Jason Bateman on the impending Arrested Development movie, but be sure you don't bring up pregnant teens.
· We had a dream. We had an awesome dream. Mainly b/c it was filled with lesbian werewolves.
·: Noted blog-hater Patrick Goldstein entered the blogosphere. We can only guess how many of his 1,100 pageviews came from his IP address.
· Which groovy comedy superstar is openly courting other men to touch his monkey? Perhaps they should frequent the Fox and Sony lots?
· Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. We'll miss you, George.

Joshua Kelley Just Won't Shut Up About Curling Katherine Heigl's Hair

Molly Friedman · 06/26/08 04:30PM

After a whirlwind month of snubbing her fame-enabling Grey’s Anatomy writers, the entire Academy of Television Arts & Sciences and anyone unlucky enough to get a whiff of her second-hand smoke, Katherine Heigl is somehow still idolized and worshiped by her emasculated husband Joshua Kelley. As we noted yesterday, Heigl spent most of Kelley’s weekend gig at Hotel Cafe shouting out requests for songs, songs which have all been recently altered to include the name Katie in place of any other girl’s name. But most disturbingly, the “rocker” reportedly overshared the fact that he had “curled her hair” before the show. And just how important is it that Kelley spend his pre-show time grooming his pompous pony? So important that he’s suffered third-degree burns and dehabilitated his ability to play the guitar, all in the name of love. The excruciating details, after the jump.

The Smokey Bunch: Young Hollywood Just Can't Quit Cigs

Molly Friedman · 06/25/08 03:15PM

Loose-lipped Jack Black has recently decided to abandon his pre-married man habits like staying up too late with “beer” and “dudes,” but by far the most impressive habit Black claims to have kicked is smoking. Though we don't really immediately picture a carton of cigarettes when thinking of the Brangelina baby blabber, there are more than a few stars who we see smoking so often we automatically reach for a cancer stick whenever we see them on-screen. So who are the smokiest chimneys in Hollywood these days? We put together a list of the newbies and their predecessors, all of whom we feel should be notified that Joshua Kelley, no matter what Heigl has told them, is not, in fact, an ashtray:

Katherine Heigl Barks Set List Instructions To Hubby During Rousing 'Emasculation Of Joshua' Concert

Mark Graham · 06/25/08 02:00PM

Katherine Heigl's constant bids to control her husband Josh "Call Me Joshua" Kelley's A.D.D. addled life is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Whether it's explaining to David Letterman that the house that the newlyweds live in is most certainly hers or confiding to Oprah that she's not even really sure if she'll like Joshua once she gets to know him, we are firmly settled into Month Six of what's come to be known as "The Emasculation Of Joshua" tour. However, just when you thought that she would tone things down a smidge, Heigl's controlling ways took new life when her not-at-all-whipped "rocker" husband took to the stage at Hollywood's Hotel Café on Friday night. According to a tipster for People:

In Katherine Heigl's World, Joshua Kelley Is But An Ashtray

Molly Friedman · 06/23/08 04:55PM

Move over Norma Desmond — Katherine Heigl is here. After Heigl's baffling antics over the past few weeks, namely snubbing her Grey's Anatomy fame enablers and any fan who may have actually enjoyed her pretty neurotic mess of a character on the show, this clip of Heigl voicing her disgust with "writers?!?" proves just how big Heigl's nicotine-scented head has grown. And to make matters worse, the images awaiting you after the jump of Heigl vacationing with emasculated husband Joshua Kelley, in which her emasculated servant is used as both her kickboxing target and ashtray give new meaning to Desmond's infamous diva-turned-delinquent madwoman trajectory. Catch Heigl at her heights while you can before the inevitable backlash to the backlash to the backlash begins, after the jump:

Katherine Heigl Seeks Escape From Doomed 'Grey's' In Search Of Big-Screen Stardom

Molly Friedman · 05/08/08 03:10PM

We've been poking fun at Katherine Heigl for months now, and with good reason: she just can't stop saying the darndest things about her emasculated husband Joshua Kelley, she is completely lacking gaydar ... frankly, this list could go on for hours. But after hearing the news that Heigl is pushing for an escape from the ratings-challenged Grey's Anatomy following a fiscally successful contract renegotiation later made public, we're inching towards Team Heigl for the first time. As a source tells MSNBC:

Not Only Does Katherine Heigl Wear The Pants In Her Marriage, She Also Wears The Boxer Briefs

Molly Friedman · 04/16/08 12:15PM

As we've come to learn over the past few months, Katherine Heigl wears the pants in her relationship with crooner Josh "Call Me Joshua" Kelley. She's made it clear that when it comes to baby-making, attracting gay men and winning Hollywood over, Heigl will have us know that she pretty much outperforms her hubby in every way. And just to prove her point that much further, Josh's beloved Katie will soon appear on the big screen wearing a very tight pair of tighty whities. And putting our strained relationship with "the next Julia Roberts" aside, we must say she's about to give Tom Cruise a run for his money.