State Department Spokesman Tries Very Hard to Take Boris Johnson Seriously

Ashley Feinberg · 07/13/16 08:12PM

Boris Johnson, a man who once compared our likely future President to “a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital” and noted that Obama’s “ancestral dislike of the British empire” stems from his Kenyan heritage, is the U.K.’s new foreign secretary. And if you want some insight into how the State Department is taking the news, look no further than its own spokesman’s terrified, shit-eating grin.

Emergency Delivery for G. Clooney: My Life as an A-List Party Crasher

Charlotte Laws · 05/13/15 03:20PM

I was recently voted one of the 15 most notorious party crashers in the world, a title I don’t take lightly. I am proud to report that I came in at No. 4, beating Tareq and Michaele Salahi (#15), Queen Elizabeth (#14) and Bill Murray (#6). Lady Gaga and Serena Williams were handed honorable mentions, but did not actually make the esteemed list. Better luck next time, ladies!

Unsolicited Tip: John Kerry’s Libido Has Haunted Me for 20 Years

J.K. Trotter · 03/12/15 03:00PM

We recently received the following anonymous tip: “You guys need to write about John Kerry’s facelift. Seriously, no one has made one single mention about it. If he were a woman, it would be all over the news. The guy is a major creepy douchebag, I have a creepy story about him from 1995. But first, please out this douche and let everyone know that he got a face lift!!”

John Kerry and President of France Make Up with Public, Erotic Embrace

Aleksander Chan · 01/16/15 11:36AM

The relationship between John Kerry, the Secretary of State of the United States of America, and Francois Hollande, the president of France, has been on the rocks since Kerry stood up Hollande at the Je Suis Charlie rally in Paris last weekend. But in a grandly Richard-Curtisian gesture, Kerry flew to Paris today to make things right. This deeply intimate hug is their touching reunion.

Obama Set to Authorize Airstrikes in Syria as ISIS Threat Grows

Aleksander Chan · 09/10/14 07:19AM

President Obama intends to detail a plan to step up the American offensive against ISIS—including ordering airstrikes in Syria—in a televised address planned for this evening. Administration officials told the New York Times that the plan to be revealed tonight will be a longterm campaign "far more complex than the targeted strikes the United States has used against Al Qaeda in Yemen, Pakistan and elsewhere."

U.S.: Russia Responsible for Downing of Malaysia Airlines Plane

Aleksander Chan · 07/20/14 10:35PM

Secretary of State John Kerry made the Sunday morning news show rounds to outline the United States' case—citing American and Ukrainian intelligence reports and social media that "obviously points a very clear finger at the [pro-Russian] separatists"—that Russia was responsible for the attack that brought down Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17, killing 298 people.

Kerry Caught on Hot Mic: Israel Has "Hell of a Pinpoint Operation"

Aleksander Chan · 07/20/14 05:40PM

In the minutes before his interview on Fox News Sunday, Secretary of State John Kerry spoke candidly about Israel's assault on Gaza to an aide on the phone, all while his microphone was on and the camera rolling. "It's a hell of a pinpoint operation, it's a hell of a pinpoint operation," he told the aide, frustrated.

Dayna Evans · 05/18/14 11:55AM

Secretary of State John Kerry, who graduated from Yale in 1966, will speak at his alma mater's commencement this afternoon, the AP reports. It is Yale's 313th commencement, and unlike one former Secretary of State, Kerry has not backed out.

Dayna Evans · 03/02/14 05:05PM

Secretary of State John Kerry will visit Kiev on Tuesday to show his support for the Ukrainian government, remarking that if Russia continues its militaristic advances, President Putin "is not going to have a Sochi G-8." This will be Kerry's first visit to the Ukraine as secretary of state.

Max Read · 10/07/13 03:59PM

Secretary of State John Kerry poses upon arrival for a gala dinner in Bali, Indonesia. What are his eyes telling you? Photo via AFP/Getty