This morning, Atlanta internet-dater John Fitzgerald Page added another item to his impressive resume: he has now appeared on CBS's Early Show! Julie Chen looked on in horror from her side of the split-screen as John revealed that he still doesn't understand why that girl turned him down on Match.com. "Basically, if you hit on somebody on Match.com and you find them attractive, and then you find out that they have a good job with a good company and they live in a good part of town in a nice area and they take care of themselves ... that's not the time you'd reject them, I'd think," he retarditerates. "Every blog in the country" has covered him, he complained. Also, "people I've gotten roles have taken me off their 'friends' page." Ouch! But: "I know who I am and I'm just going to keep living my life and enjoying myself."
Nightmare online dater John Fitzgerald Page isn't going to sink back down to the bottom of the boggy internet-lake quite yet. He's still trying to puzzle out why people had such a strong negative response to his braggy, hatefilled email to a girl who had the audacity to turn him down on Match.com. "The problem was [her profile] has six pictures of her head," he reiterated recently in an interview with Atlanta alt-weekly Creative Loafing. "If you Internet date, you realize that means she's trying to hide something... I didn't harass her. I just sent her an e-mail saying basically 'I have these statistics and you can't hang.' They're threatening my life because I blew off a fat chick on the Internet." The bright light of semi-selfawareness might be beginning to penetrate the murk, however: "During our conversations, he asked repeatedly, 'Do I seem like the worst person in the world?'"
Sooo, that Atlantan nightmare Internet dater John Fitzgerald Page is trying to make minute 14:59 last by offering 'fans' the opportunity to buy merchandise commemorating the humiliating spectacle he's made of himself. T-shirt slogans include "Mensa Member with Muscles" and "All This And I'm Ivy League Educated Too." But evidence continues to point us to the conclusion that John has perhaps fudged some of his douchey credentials! Like, for example, that having-attended-Wharton thing. Turns out: no. Will we ever trust a man again?
Nightmare online dater and "no fat chicks" policy-haver John Fitzgerald Page has updated his website. "Stalin. Hitler. Bin Laden. John Fitzgerald Page. Somehow, I am ranked at #1. My crime - murder? treason? pedophilia? rape? No, worse. A woman winked at me on the internet. I sent her an introdutory email. She tried to rescind her initial wink by saying we weren't a "personality" match . She ascertained that from my first email without ever speaking to me. Here is my crime. Instead of just letting her float away, I let her know that I feel that if you approach me, you should meet my standards and listed facts about myself." IT GOES ON: "The public hanging of me is making many of you happy. The catch-22 for you is that no publicity is bad publicity. I am getting offers for things - movies, books, TV shows. I have turned down every request." DO READ IT.
From the mailbag, regarding Ivy League alum and douchey online dater John Fitzgerald Page: "I talked to John Page for 3 hours last night. So I called him.....a couple of times (and yes that is all it took). I don't know where to go with the information I have now after talking to him for seriously 3 HOURS. I will send you a copy of my phone bill a) if ATT has put it up yet b) you tell me where to send it, to prove what I am saying.... What do I do with 3 hours of information from the most hated/loved/entertaining/douchey guy on the internet today?"
Hey, remember that wannabe i-banker douchebag Alexsey Vayner and his insanely braggy resume video? Do you recall Eric Schaeffer, the failed writer/director who hates women and blogs about how he can't believe he's still single? Well, what if they met and married and through some breakthrough in medical science had a baby? He would probably grow up to be something along the lines of Atlanta's John Fitzgerald Page, who in addition to working in corporate finance, being a part-time trainer, and being available for work as a "costumed character" or a "stand-in," also somehow finds the time in his day to be a colossal, mindbogglingly douchey douchebag to girls he meets on Match.com!