So. Remember this? Online Dater John Fitzgerald, the worst person in the world, was going to be on Dr. Phil, the worst show in the world.Why? We are not really sure. It aired today! Dr. Phil copied his drivers' license—even his drivers' license is creepy—and discovered the horrible truth: John Fitzgerald Page is almost 41. Then they sent him to a bar, where he terrorized women and wore suspenders. "He needs his own table, really, for his head," said one lady. IT GOT WORSE. MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
One must be "upscale" to be an extra on Gossip Girl, at least according to a recent Craigslist casting call. Also: ladies, please wear "cocktail dresses in black or gem tones" for this fancy "elite rehersal [sic] dinner party." Upscale! Just like John Fitzgerald Page. Who is a professional extra! Oh please oh please oh please let him show up on an episode of Gossip Girl, then the universe could finally wink out of existence and we could all live for happy, restful eternities in the ethereal void.
John Fitzgerald Page built his reputation as a poxy online dater in part by bragging about his 8.9 score on the website "Hot or Not" to a girl he was telling off. Won't you please help Page continue to invent douchey new brags by voting five starts for him in Esquire's "Best Dressed Real Man 2008" competition? He's only up to one star and eight votes; his legions of admirers have not yet shown up. James describes himself as "Gordon Gekko + James Bond + Italian designers," but you can judge for yourself:
The Worst Person in the World, Atlanta online dater John Fitzgerald Page, is taking a two-pronged approach to preserving his terrible reputation: First, give asshole quotes to the press; then, get into long e-mail flame wars with anonymous online detractors. On the first count, JFP gave an interview to Penn's 34th St. Magazine explaining the origin of his downfall— some fat chick. "If she were hot, she'd be in Playboy; she'd be on the cover of Vogue; she'd be all over the news...I'm like, you want to fight me because I blew off a fat chick on Match.com?" Ridiculous! And what about those e-mails? Below, the entirely too long, and kind of sad, angry correspondence over the past two days between JFP and some random guy.
John Fitzgerald Page, the Atlanta-bred Worst Person in the World, blew a golden opportunity for self-effacing humor that an inexplicably sympathetic CNN correspondent laid in his lap in a one-on-one interview. Sipping on an iced beverage in his finest suspenders, JFP boldly rejected the softball questions that CNN's Eric Lanford set on a tee in front of him, instead opting to tell all you heartless Gawker-reading bastards exactly how it is: "I'm not arrogant, I'm accomplished. You walk into a bar and say, 'I just bought a Ford truck.' I go in and say 'Look at my Beemer convertible.'" Yes you do, JFP. Yes you do. That's why this video will only add to your legend.
Unrepentant douchebag John Fitzgerald Page, the worst person in the world, received unsolicited advice from an actual admirer, over the Internet. So of course he went and ruined everything by getting into a big douchey fight with the fan, who promptly emailed the whole exchange to us. In it, Page said "I didn't get this far by listening to random advice from strangers," and by "this far" he means "international infamy for bragging about squat-press capabilities and lunch with the Secretary of Defense and for asking questions like 'I went to an Ivy League school... where did you go to school?'" Email thread after the jump.
Our old friend John Fitzgerald Page, online braggart and the world's worst person, has been selling merchandise for some time now, but now it's gotten even better! For the low cost of $500 a day ($250 for a 1/2 day. Whew! Hard math!) you can enjoy the company of this upscale Ivy League grad. Perhaps after you bring him to your office party, he'll take you for a nightcap in his favorite Atlanta nightlife district. Or maybe even at his high rise apartment. This is probably a joke, right? If so, good on him. Though, that's what we said about him the first time we encountered him, and as he proved over and over again, he was deadly serious. Someone should tell him that the Debra Messing movie he's citing, The Wedding Date, was a terrible bomb and may be the World's Worst Movie (some of us may have seen it. More than once.) We dare someone to go on a dream date with him. Come on. It's a bargain. (Click thumb for larger screen shot!)
It's minute 14:59 for John Fitzgerald Page, and it's fiiiinally starting to seem like the Atlanta internet-dater is in on the joke, the joke being himself. In a new video for MySpace.tv, he still sounds pretty bitter towards "a crazy individual who does not consider private emails ... private," but he does seem like he must be mocking his own 'too stupid to know how to be pretentious right' shtick with his tips for Internet dating, which include "label photos accurately." Because "six photos of your head means only one thing. You might as well label the photos, 'I am fat and unattractive.'" Ha ha ha!