It’s easy to dismiss today’s National Enquirer story about the alleged secret, highly active extramarital sex life of Ted Cruz, because, hey, it’s just some crappy tabloid that makes up all of its stories, right? And it’s true: They’ve printed a lot of fantasy and nonsense. But on some stories—including some huge ones—the Enquirer has been very right.
It was bad enough that Paul Ryan compulsively lied about his marathon time, but now comes word that, among recent vice-presidential candidates who ran marathons, Ryan is only the third fastest. John Edwards posted the fastest time at three hours and thirty minutes. Impressive, if not super surprising; you don't get to be as monstrously vain and awful as him without a masochistic workout regimen. The real surprise here, though – and the one sure to sting the most to Ryan – is the report that former Alaska Governor and current reality TV matriarch Sarah Palin ran a marathon in three hours and fifty-nine minutes, a full two minutes faster than Ryan's time.
Oh that John Edwards, that guy, always combing his hair and having babies out of wedlock while his wife is dying of cancer, that jerk. What is his latest outrageous action, that he did, so that we can all get mad at him, once again, the pretty boy? Let's see, here it is, right in the foldy newspaper with all the pictures:
On tonight's Real Time, Bill Maher closed with rant about the state of our country's political discourse. "The only politics we understand is scandal," he said, "and the only scandal we understand is sex." Maher recounted many politicians who are not held accountable for their lies until those lies involve sex. It all boils down to the very problematic way we talk about both politics and sex in the United States.
A Judge has ruled that the legendary sex tape starring John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter must be destroyed because, if unleashed, it could block out the sun and bring a thousand-year night to the Earth. The judge has ordered the tape to be cast into the very fires from which it was forged: a massive flaming Sambuca in some trashy beach bar.
Former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards was indicted by a federal grand jury in North Carolina this morning on charges of accepting illegal campaign donations, conspiring to violate campaign finance laws, and filing false campaign disclosures with the Federal Election Commission—all part of an attempt to buy his mistress and baby mama Rielle Hunter's silence with other people's money.
No book has scared away more possible presidential candidates this cycle than Mark Halperin and John Heilemann's Game Change, the definitive "horse race" account of the 2008 presidential race that focuses on making every relevant politician's family life look like utter shit. Haley Barbour and John Thune have already bypassed runs this year largely on account of their spouses wanting no part of the gossip industries that would coalesce around them, and Mitch Daniels is still weighing his decision for similar reasons. But are these pulp novels giving Rep. Michele Bachmann some hesitancy, too?
Remember the sex tape that Democratic pariah John Edwards made with the mother of his illegitimate child, the delightful Rielle Hunter? Hunter is still suing Edwards confidante-turned-enemy Andrew Young for possession of the tape. Edwards has already offered some testimony, and now the judge wants more. Gross.