Jesus Appears in Kudzu Near Ma's Hot Dog House

Hamilton Nolan · 06/29/11 04:11PM

Can you guess who has been spotted in Lenoir County, North Carolina? That's right, it's Jesus again, in his familiar "on the crucifix" pose. (Get a new pose already, Jesus!) On toast? No, in kudzu! He is everywhere.

How Much is Jesus' Face on a Rocking Chair Worth?

Brian Moylan · 06/22/11 12:33PM

California crackpot Lou Balducci found the face of Jesus in one of his rotted, unusable rocking chairs earlier this year. Now he's doing what any good, respecting Christian would do to serve God: He's selling it. How much will they fetch?

Catholic Church Blames Hippies, Not Celibacy, for All That Kid-Molesting

Hamilton Nolan · 05/18/11 09:45AM

A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.

A Friendly Reminder That the World's Ending in Two Weeks

Lauri Apple · 05/08/11 12:31PM

In-the-know Americans have been getting ready for May 21, when Jesus is going to return to Earth and kick off the Rapture—aka "Judgment Day." Hopefully you're prepared for all the excitement to come, yes?

South Korean Man Found Crucified, Jesus Style

Jeff Neumann · 05/04/11 07:29AM

Think of a truly horrendous way to die, and then think about this: A South Korean taxi driver who was said to have had "fanatical religious views" was found dead in a quarry, nailed to a cross and wearing a crown of thorns, with a stab wound in his side and whip marks. A police officer told AFP, "We found at the scene pieces of paper describing how to construct a cross and carry out a crucifixion." They also found a mirror placed so the man could see himself on the cross. Damn.

Filmmaker: Jesus Crucifixion Nails 'Have Been Found'

Jeff Neumann · 04/12/11 06:40AM

Sweet Mary Mother of God this is huge: Israeli-Canadian filmmaker Simcha Jacobovici says he's found two of the nails that were used to crucify Jesus! He's also promoting a documentary he made about finding the nails, called The Nails of the Cross. Jacobovici told Reuters, "What we are bringing to the world is the best archaeological argument ever made that two of the nails from the crucifixion of Jesus have been found." HOLY SHIT! Oh, but he added, "Do I know 100% yes, these are them? I don't." But please check his movie out anyway.

Creationists Find Cave Painting of Dinosaur

Maureen O'Connor · 03/28/11 01:17PM

Good news for the oxymoronic field of creationist paleontology: A newly discovered cave painting in southeastern Utah sort of resembles a long-necked dinosaur, which means humans and dinosaurs coexisted in Utah 6000 years ago, back when the planet was new, say officials from the Creationist Museum of Petersburg, Kentucky.

The Christian 'Fuck You' Remix: 'Bless You'

Hamilton Nolan · 03/16/11 09:55AM

The New York Times trips and stumbles all over itself today in an entire article about songs with the work "Fuck" which does not contain the word "Fuck." Your prayer is answered, NYT: "Bless You," the Christian remix of Cee-Lo's blasphemous hit. Completely soothing to the easily-offended sensibilities of New York Times editors! (Except for that keyboard player.)

Jesus People Have Infiltrated Your Frat House

Hamilton Nolan · 03/07/11 10:07AM

Have your fraternity brothers been acting a bit...odd lately? Have you noticed something a little...strange about your sorority sisters? We don't want to alarm, but we have to be honest: your bros may be involved in Jesus.

Bible Now 100% Booty-Free

Hamilton Nolan · 03/02/11 09:27AM

The ol' Catholic church is revising the Bible again. Should that even be allowed? Anyhow. They don't want any bad PR, for Jesus, so they're removing the term "booty," as in "stuff you steal after a war," and replacing it with "spoils" of war. And look at this bullshit:

God Not Saving Churches From Foreclosure

Hamilton Nolan · 01/25/11 11:06AM

"Since 2008, nearly 200 religious facilities have been foreclosed on by banks, up from eight during the previous two years and virtually none in the decade before that." We'll tastefully omit the gloating and obvious theological jokes. [WSJ. Photo via]

God Willing and the Creek Don't Rise

Brian Moylan · 01/12/11 07:33PM

[Jesus might have died for our sins, but who is going to help stop the flooding in Australia that has gone on for days and resulted in nearly two dozen deaths? Image via Getty]