In most American cities, a man has the right to walk down the street, reach down the nearest sewer, and devour whatever fish me might find therein without being scolded by some government bureaucrat. Unfortunately, that’s no longer true in Newark, New Jersey, where health officials are now claiming sewer fish consumption is “dangerous.”
We're not used to politicians having such a sharp sense of humor. And he's kind of not kidding when defending his state. Being the governor, that's the stance you've got to take.
Tom was just like you: an ordinary schmoe from Jersey, with a kid and a job in banking and a pronounced inability to attract celebrities into his general vicinity. Until one day when he met Barack Obama, became magnetized, and proceeded to attract celebrities, in much the same way a magnet attracts metal. Moments ago, Tom sent out this lengthy press release, informing the world of his strange and wondrous saga of celebrity attraction. We want you to read it all. It is just that important.
Hahaha. Some New Jersey girls are pissed because they were caught on camera with douchebag Jersey guys! Three "Hot Chicks" are suing the author and publisher of the fine educational volume Hot Chicks With Douchebags, because they were pictured therein. It's destroyed their reputations, down there in Jersey! Because they were depicted as "females who date dubious men." Outrageous! Here are the actual plaintiffs in question:
Staten Island-all of it!-is threatening to boycott Belmar, NJ because the mayor there made derogatory remarks about "guidos," the overtanned, hair-gelled, well-muscled gentlemen who I say are just fine, so that I don't get jumped next time I go to the gym. "The mayor should watch his f- - -ing mouth!" one Staten Island resident told the Post. Ha, right you are, my friend! Do you care to read the entire press release about this grievous insult from Staten Island Good Neighborhood Association president John "JE" Englebert, for some reason? Then click through and do so! [UPDATE: And a sample of the mayor's original gentle insults!]: