Snowy Owls Leave Arctic To Invade Frozen America

Ken Layne · 01/09/14 01:59PM

In normal times, the arctic bird of prey known as the Snowy Owl stays up north, feasting upon the flesh of lemmings. But these are not normal times, so the owls have come south with the terrible arctic weather. "They are just absolutely everywhere and there's a lot more coming," says an expert who knows about the owls.

Bedbugs Are Going to Destroy Us All

Richard Lawson · 07/22/10 11:18AM

We will not be copacetic! The bedbug menace grows and grows every day, infesting various halls of industry and power. Their latest assault is on the written word. Yes, bed bugs have invaded publishing.

This Just In: Scarlett Johansson is a Teutonic Clone!

ian spiegelman · 06/22/08 03:26PM

Here is an urgent letter and warning that just came through on our tips line. Sic throughout, natch. "Hello dear ladies and gentlemen!I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not damn sexy), most important-CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you guys more, that clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning!"

Obama Hires a Godless Commie!

ian spiegelman · 04/27/08 12:21PM

Senator Barack Obama's "official blogger" has ties to the Communist Threat that could bring this nation to its very knees! "Sam Graham-Felsen, a journalist-on-leave from The Nation, joined 'Obama for America' in March 2007 where he works for the New Media department as the official blogger, daily presenting the campaign's public face. Now he's under fire for his reputed Marxist sympathies from bloggers at Common Ills on the left and Little Green Footballs on the right."

Rudy Will Protect America From New Yorkers, Aliens

Pareene · 10/15/07 05:15PM

Rudy Giuliani has just about proved to America that he had what it took to rid New York of its many unpleasant ethnics and poor people, as the Times explained this weekend. Did you know that everyone in New York was on welfare before Giuliani became mayor? It's true! Every last one of them, except the good people of Staten Island, which is kind of the Iowa of New York. Back in the dark days of the early 1990s, "a New Yorker couldn't walk up Third Avenue without being on the lookout for muggers, of the blocks of dirty book stores and prostitutes, of public urination and pot-smoking." Christ, it sounds heavenly! (Though the public pot-smoking thing is a little west coast for our tastes.) But if there was one man who could be counted on to rid this city of its criminals and perverts, it was that adulterous cross-dressing megalomaniac. And he's gonna do for the rest of America what he did for New York: protect it from aliens.