Do you believe in love? Perhaps you do! But you totally definitely believe in money. Because it's very hard to love when you have no money and you're hungry! The Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' is where money and love meet, and where our Intern Alexis finds that in the mix, someone always comes out the winner.
Great news! Did you know that the Weddings and Celebrations section of the 'New York Times' exists to transform you on a lazy Sunday afternoon from Kathy Griffin to Cathy Guisewite? It's true! Studies show that reading what we used to call 'Vows' actually sets your internal feminism and self-esteem clocks back eight years. Anyhoo, put down that Ben & Jerry's, unloved fatty, and let's see who won the battle of the marriages this week!
Every week, the New York Times' Weddings and Celebrations section lets you know which powerful, rich, famous, and/or attractive people are joining like in holy matrimony and the conspiracy to grind your hopes and dreams to dust. And every week, our Intern Alexis subjects the happy couples to her tough-but-fair rating system.
Each week, Intern Alexis surveys the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Times and subjects them to her patented rating scale so that we might know who is best preparing to be well-set-up after their divorces. "Bourgeois marriage is, in reality, a system of wives in common," wrote Marx. Hence we pay attention to the weddings so that we may know who will later be exchanging wives and each others' money at the same time.
Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. While it's true that you'll never find love and eventually you'll wind up settling for whoever's left, your sad little dreams put to a terrible end in some dingy rented hall that was the only place you and the schmuck you wound up with could afford, it's still nice to know that good things can happen to other, better people. Intern Alexis tallies the score from Vowland.
Every week, when the Times devotes a section to informing you that some people who are richer and smarter and just all around better than you are have found their soulmate lifepartners, Intern Alexis surveys the damage and tallies up the totals. Also, in case you were wondering? No, you'll never find anyone. Anyone good enough, at least.
Every week, Intern Alexis tallies up the points earned by couples vainglorious enough (or Times-employed enough! Awww!) to have little biographical blurbs about themselves in the Styles section. This week, Slate literary editor, Paris Review poetry editor and lauded poet Meghan O'Rourke and New Yorker staffer James Surowieki totally won. How could they not? You can all stop dating now!