Elderly Man Sues Kaiser for Completely Eroding His Dick

Jay Hathaway · 01/23/15 02:30PM

An elderly man claims his penis "completely eroded away" over the course of two weeks, far past the point where reconstructive surgery could have saved it, because Kaiser wouldn't let his nurses remove a catheter. He's suing the insurance company for refusing to end his painful ordeal and causing "permanent genital mutilation," Courthouse News reports.

What Happens When There's No Insurance for Your Beach House?

Hamilton Nolan · 10/22/14 02:23PM

Climate change is causing rising oceans and more extreme weather. Even as beachfront development continues, beachfront living is growing ever more perilous. What happens when all the insurance companies decide to stop insuring anything by a beach?

Idiot Millennials Not Ready to Die Yet

Hamilton Nolan · 05/29/14 09:06AM

Entitled members of the "millennial" generation—is there anything that they cannot destroy with their devil-may-care sense of youthful self-regard? The answer is "no." Millennials are now destroying even death.

People Are Perfectly Willing to Gamble With Their Own Health Coverage

Hamilton Nolan · 03/18/13 09:37AM

In America, we have a stupid system of health care in which your health insurance, which might naturally be considered a fundamental human need, is covered by your employer, resulting in a horrible, expensive, uneven patchwork. At the same time, the earnings of most workers have remained stagnant for the past 40 years. It comes as little surprise, then, that workers are willing to gamble with their own health in exchange for more money in their pockets.

What Is the Best Worst Way You've Ever Lost a Phone?

Caity Weaver · 10/24/12 11:05AM

Have you ever baked your phone into a dessert? Lost it up a cow's butthole? Dropped it off the side of a cruise ship while recreating the "I'm King of the World!" scene from Titanic with a guy you met in the buffet line?

Man With Breast Cancer Denied Medicaid Coverage

Lauri Apple · 08/07/11 08:24PM

Every year 2,100 American men are diagnosed with breast cancer, which obviously means that breast cancer is not a "woman's disease." Yet the federal government still treats it as such, as Raymond Johnson—an official Man With Breast Cancer—can tell you.

Shocking Study: Birth Control Cheaper Than Babies

Hamilton Nolan · 07/20/11 10:34AM

Birth control isn't free, my friends. I mean condoms cost a few bucks and then some of the fancier technologies that girls get cost—Christ, I don't know, but it has to run into the hundreds. So you can't expect the health insurance industry to bankrupt itself just to subsidize every lout's ability to fuck conveniently! Or can you?

New Aflac Duck Voice as Annoying as Old Aflac Duck Voice

Maureen O'Connor · 04/26/11 03:52PM

Praise be the gods, our long national nightmare of peace and quiet is over. After firing Gilbert Gottfried from his job voicing Aflac's screaming spokes-duck, the insurance company has completed its national search for a less offensive replacement. The winner is a sales manager from Hugo, Minnesota (population: 13,000) named Daniel McKeague. Congratulations, Daniel. We can't wait to scramble for the mute button every time your bone-chilling squawk comes on TV.

Exploiting Tiger

cityfile · 12/14/09 01:46PM

All the revelations about Tiger Woods' mistresses over the past couple of weeks has been very bad news for the big brands that paid out millions to sign Woods up as their spokesman. Enter DeWitt Stern, an insurance company that is now capitalizing on Woods' troubles with what it claims is a totally new type of policy: "reputation risk insurance." Now when the face of your wholesome, family-friendly brand gets arrested in a seedy motel room with a crack pipe and with a tranny hooker, you'll be fully protected! The press release is below.