'Evil': Lawyer Who Leapt from Building With Infant Left 13-Page Suicide Note

Max Read · 03/15/13 08:20AM

The 44-year-old lawyer who leaped from her eighth floor apartment with her 10-month-old son strapped to her body in a baby carrier, killing herself but cushioning the blow for the infant, who survived with just a bruise, left a 13-page handwritten suicide note in which she described her final act as "evil."

Sorry, But Babies Are Ugly

Hamilton Nolan · 01/30/12 04:27PM

We're all adults here. It's time that we practiced a bit of brutal honesty. This is something that we—as a friend—feel that you should really know. Your baby is ugly.

President Obama Eats Traditional Christmas Baby

Max Read · 12/27/11 01:30PM

President Obama took part this weekend in one of the most ancient and eagerly-anticipated presidential traditions: the annual Christmas Baby Eating, a ritual that goes back to well before recorded history. Said to have been started by the semi-mythical "first president," Benjamin Franklin (who archaeologists believe to be a composite of several different minor American warlords, and most likely not a historical person), the Christmas Baby Eating has recently come under fire from pundits like Nate Silver, who use statistics to argue that it has no real bearing on presidential success or virility, despite the frequent claims of the Secretary of Necromancy and Occult Services. Even so, President Obama is currently enjoying a small bump in the polls—a natural fluctuation, or the result of pleasing Yogg-Sothoth by consuming the blood of the newly-born?

Vegans to Spend Life in Prison After Baby Starves to Death

Max Read · 09/12/11 10:01PM

Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas, a vegan couple from Atlanta, had their murder convictions—and life sentences—upheld in court today. Their crime: Allowing their six-week-old son Crown Shakur to die of malnourishment after feeding him a diet of soy milk and apple juice.