Ted Cruz: "Yes My Dad Killed JFK"

Gabrielle Bluestone · 05/03/16 11:22AM

Yesterday, Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi addressed rumors that her husband is secretly the Zodiac Killer by explicitly not denying the rumors. Today, Ted Cruz took that tactic one step forward, confirming at a press conference that his own father, Rafael Cruz, assassinated JFK.

Our Lawmakers Are Idiots Just Like Us

Ashley Feinberg · 03/31/16 10:09AM

Government by the people, for the people would be great if we, the people, weren’t such morons. In deed, in an effort to insure that good grammar shall not perish from the earth, Official House Resolution No. 1220 comes to the good people of Missouri from Rep. Tracy McCreery, who has apparently built up some deep-seeded loathing for her colleagueses abuse of the English language. In an interview with the Missouri Riverfront Times, McCreery explained that her fellow pubic servants’ constant slips of the tongue had the affect of “nails on a chalkboard” and that “it happens pretty much daily.”

Drunk Guy Accidentally Shoots Woman During Benghazi Movie Screening

Ashley Feinberg · 01/22/16 01:55PM

During an evening showing of 13 hours yesterday, a theater full of Benghazi enthusiasts in Renton, Washington bore witness to a different sort of disaster when an allegedly drunk 29-year-old dropped his gun, accidentally shooting one of his fellow theater-goers in the chest. As of this morning, the 40-year-old woman was listed as being in “serious condition.”

So-Called Genius Needs More Than A Minute To Descend Two Feet

Chris Thompson · 09/30/15 06:25PM

Is this what passes for genius these days? Oh man, gotta get from this short-ass perch to right there—right there—on that carpeted floor. Better rearrange the whole goddamn bed situation. Guy probably needs crampons and a hundred feet of rope to get back on the bed.

Frank Bruni Loves Corporations

Hamilton Nolan · 07/01/15 09:02AM

Frank Bruni, a professional newspaper columnist who—unfortunately, given his chosen profession—has not had a single good idea in the past five years, continues that proud streak today. In spectacular fashion!

Univision Canceled Miss USA Because Donald Trump Is an Asshole 

Gabrielle Bluestone · 06/25/15 12:05PM

Donald Trump, to be fair, says a lot of idiot things. And for the most part, people just ignore him until he tires himself out, as you might a child having a tantrum. But it looks like his idiot comments about drug-addicted-rapist Mexicans rightfully offended some people—Univision says they’re not going to air the Miss USA beauty pageant as long as he’s involved.