Click to viewBoomp3.com A mysterious woman wanted to remain in the shadows and darkness of Hollywood after she was spotted with hotshot filmmaker Brett Ratner outside of Hyde Lounge. Ratner attempted to use some of his directorial skills to make the woman feel more comfortable in front of the camera, but she continued to march down the street with her back turned. Not even running into a couple of doors and a pay phone would stop the woman from walking with a blind eye to the other side of Sunset Blvd. [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.
Hollywood club attendance monitor TMZ.com has boldly supplemented its exclusive video coverage of Hyde's velvet rope-protected front door with the groundbreaking monitoring of its tragically underwatched rear egress, a secret exit so "ultra-exclusive" that only the town's biggest names are allowed to partake of its paparazzi-bypassing luxury. This increased effort to cover all access points to the establishment paid immediate dividends last night, as TMZ's cameraman caught a visibly ashamed Warren Beatty (those intermittent flashbulbs truly capture his embarassment) trying to discreetly flee the B-lister-infested glory-hole with which he'd rather not be associated. Now that Hyde's Passage of Shame has been compromised, its owners will be forced to come up with new ways to smuggle out its publicity-averse clientele, perhaps by constructing a series of underground tunnels that allow patrons to emerge from more respectable nearby venues, like the Sunset 5 arthouse theater, allowing slumming stars to avoid such humiliating incidents in the future.
Tonight on Extra: Dozens of paparazzi are disappointed when a Rolls Royce piloted by blonde wild-child Sharon Stone pulls up to Hyde, the passenger door slowly opens, and new partner-in-crime Better Midler pauses to spread her legs for the eager photographers as she prepares to exit the vehicle...revealing that her sexagenarian nether-regions are more than adequately covered by age-appropriate underthings. The duo is rudely turned away by the hotspot's disapproving doorman, who cites Midler's unacceptable modesty for denying them entry, and remains unmoved even by Stone's desperate promises that the pair will "totally make out and flash our tits" while dancing atop the venue's leather banquettes if allowed inside.
The self-deputized Alcohol Beverage Control officers of TMZ.com have once again used their clever cover as celebrity-obsessed documentarians of the every entrance and egress of notable persons from local drinking establishments to spring a trap on the hotspot they've been assiduously monitoring for possible legal infractions, noting the presence of the 15-year-old "JoJo," allegedly a "pop tart" of some renown, at Hyde last night. Regrettably, a food-service loophole (undoubtedly the reason the venue offers its wholesome chocolate chip cookies) prevented TMZ from making a sidewalk jailbait-collar, but their camera-wielding citizen-deputies made a valiant attempt at salvaging the disappointing evening by shouting at Lindsay Lohan as she pulled away from the club, hoping to capture the kind of exclusive accident footage needed to adequately replace the clip they'd hoped to get of a teenager being jammed into the back of a police car.
A sharp-eyed Defamer operative noticed something curious on his way to work this morning: Paris Hilton's profanely expensive celebutard conveyance abandoned in a parking lot near Privilege and Hyde, perhaps indicating that her recent DUI might have her thinking twice about taking to the streets after enjoying a single, 65-ounce margarita on an empty stomach. Says our correspondent:
While they've always been the most faithful chronicler of the goings on outside of Hyde, the local establishment which currently plays host to Hollywood's peripatetic high school cafeteria, today TMZ.com seems particularly obsessed with documenting the action unfolding in the vicinity of the venue's front door, having already put up four Hyde-related posts by noon. A round-up of things
that the site's omnipresent camera picked up last night:
TMZ.com's tireless dedication to the video documentation of the comings and goings of various celebrities from our city's many fine drinking establishments has once again yielded one of those priceless, only-in-front-of-an-exclusive-hotspot moments, as the webarazzi's all-seeing cameras captured a brief mix-up in which Jeremy Piven accidentally climbed inside another patron's vehicle at Hyde's valet stand. We know! In the clip, Piven quickly realizes that he's seated in the wrong Range Rover (Hollywood tip: merely telling a parking attendant "to bring around the Range Rover" is a tragically vague instruction likely to result in such an embarassing snafu), barely avoids a half-hearted hug-it-out from the car's rightful, too-handsy owner, and is eventually placed in his own SUV, which even the most addled valet should have been able to identify in the first place by its telltale, hood-mounted Emmy statuette and vanity PIVWEELZ plates. We're sure the proprieters of Hyde will take the necessary steps to ensure that such a mortifying error never happens again.
Fox 411's Roger Friedman must have been too engrossed by shadowing Lindsay Lohan and waiting for her to pick up the bottle of water he needed to complete his anecdote about the actress's reformed, post-dehydration ways at Hyde on Monday night, or was otherwise too mesmerized by the scent of freshly baked cookies to notice the antics of Nicole Richie, who according to the NY Observer's Daily Transom blog, was putting on quite the Young Hollywood triple-threat performance of table dancing, genital-to-genital grinding, and public regurgitation in the very same, tiny celebrity clubhouse:
In an item that was seemingly paid for by the Joint Council on Rehabilitating Lindsay Lohan's Image and Making the Tightest Celebrity Glory Hole in Hollywood Seem as Wholesome as a Mormon Daycare Center, Fox 411's Roger Friedman ventures deep into the darkest recesses of Hyde, the currently most-favored, velvet-roped walk-in closet of local scenesters. And what he finds there will shock you to the core:
Imagine a place so tiny and densely packed with scene-whores, celebrities, and assorted industry VIP types that not even light (or an agent who's suddenly run out of coke and needs to call his connection before the mactress he's keeping high gets tired of him) can escape. If you can picture such a black hole of pure Hollywood clusterfuckery, you have a pretty good handle on the scene at Hyde. Because we know there is little in this world more satisfying than knowing who you weren't hanging out with last night behind the velvet rope, enjoy these reports of who turned up at Hyde last night, according to a pair of operatives:
Those who feel that potty-mouthed oil heir/goodwill ambassador to Hollywood nightclubs Brandon Davis' media caning following his instant-classic Shitfaced Firecrotch Diatribe was not sufficient punishment for his pube-denigrating transgressions will be delighted by the following NY Observer report, in which Davis returned to the scene of his crime and was promptly issued the clubmonkey equivalent of being publicly urinated upon:
If you've put off trying to infiltrate Hyde, the current hottest and most exclusive celebrity-jammed glory hole in all of Hollywood, for fear of winding up collateral damage in a hair-yanking disagreement between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, it might be time to take the risk. Especially if you're trying to "make it in the business," as Rush & Molloy report that the club's clientele now officially includes high-profile producer types out trolling for tail: