The Worst Thing That Will Be Written on the Internet Today

Hamilton Nolan · 08/24/12 11:35AM

This business of ours, the blog business, is not "easy." Bloggers must have the agile minds and exquisite judgment necessary to survey all the news of the day, decide what is important and why, and bring readers along on a journey towards understanding.

How to React to the News That Chocolate Is a Health Food

Hamilton Nolan · 07/18/12 08:42AM

"Did you see the news today? The scientists are saying that chocolate could be good for your blood circulation. Well I'll be. Who knew? Chocolate is a health food? No more going to the doctor for me! I have a bag of Hershey's Kisses, and that's a lot cheaper than health insurance! Oh, maybe I'll still go to my favorite doctor—Mr. Goodbar! Doctor Hershey's, I should say! I have a pill bottle—full of M&Ms! It does wonders! It always makes me feel better! Hey, I guess now you can eat whatever you want for dinner—as long as you have a chocolate sundae for dessert! Dessert is the new diet! I'm going on an all-chocolate diet—for my health! If chocolate is healthy, well, I'm a regular Olympic athlete! Send me to London—for the 100-meter chocolate dash! And swimming—in a pool of chocolate! I'd definitely win the gold medal! I hope it's just gold foil covering chocolate! I think I'll give up jogging and take up eating more! I've cut back my jogging to only one destination—the candy store! It's for my health, thank you! I'm giving up the Weight Watchers in favor of chocolate milkshakes—for my health! Hey, can these scientists have a little talk with my waistline? It doesn't seem to be listening to reason! I'm skipping the gym today and just eating chocolate instead—for my health! This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread—even better, actually, because I'm on a low-carb diet! Except for chocolate carbs! I have to eat those—doctor's orders! Chocolate—for my health! I approve this message!"

Things To Never Google Image

Emily Gould · 06/29/07 11:13AM

Sometimes our 90-year-old grandfather asks us if we think there's a future in what we do, and we answer him honestly: "Who the fuck knows, Poppy!" But actually, we're reasonably sure that most people who like writing and thinking and pretending to write and think will find themselves working at Internet Website Blogs at some point in the future of their careers. This is why, from time to time, we offer up some of the wisdom we've gleaned working at this job. It's about finding images to go with posts. Sometimes you are writing a post about, say, circumcision, and you're in kind of a hurry, so off you go to hunt for an image on the internet. Oh my God. NEVER GOOGLE IMAGE CIRCUMCISION.