You Will Not Win at Gambling

Hamilton Nolan · 10/14/13 09:31AM

Gambling is a system of selling hope in exchange for money. Hope springs eternal, but money always runs out. New statistics show just how hopeless your futile dreams of striking it rich really are.

Important New Reasons Why You Will Never Retire Successfully

Hamilton Nolan · 02/05/13 10:10AM

"Retirement," an ancient and outmoded system in which elderly people were able to stop working without starving to death, is little more than a faint dream of bygone days in modern America. Still, many of our readers harbor secret hopes of one day being able to retire in comfort. As a service to those readers, we bring you the very latest updates on why that will never, ever happen.

There's No Future For You on Planet Earth

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/10 04:00PM

The Way We Live Now: spacing out. Fly your pie in the sky if you so choose, sheeple—meanwhile, China grabs the money, Spain grabs the zombies, and the government grabs your home. But enjoy your space trip, sure.

You Might As Well Just Let In The Poors

Hamilton Nolan · 01/18/10 04:31PM

The Way We Live Now: Fleeing the crumbling aftermath of a disaster-stricken hellscape. Having taken in the stark, hopeless, post-apocalyptic nature of their once-thriving home, citizens are getting out however they can. (Manhattanites, we mean.)

Value of College Degree Now Negative

Hamilton Nolan · 12/14/09 10:41AM

Yet another reason to regret that college education: While unemployment nationwide began going down last month, guess which way unemployment among recent college grads moved? That's right: Up! Is there a "grim case study" to illustrate this problem, we wonder?