Accursed Shit-Scabbed Hell Cruise Breaks Loose from Dock in Search of More Victims

Max Read · 04/03/13 02:34PM

Avast! Hell cruise Triumph, the Carnival cruise ship that slowly transformed into a shit-encrusted Gulf of Mexico prison two months ago when an engine fire knocked out its electricity and plumbing, has broken loose from the Mobile, Ala. dock where it was imprisoned—searching, no doubt, for new citizens for the shanty towns built on its decks:

CNN's 24-hour Coverage of the Shit-Ridden Carnival Cruise, In Summary

Kate Bennert · 02/15/13 05:45PM

CNN certainly was the only one covering the plight of the Carnival cruise ship Triumph by land, air, and sea yesterday, but to what avail? Well thanks to CNN a mother was able to see her daughter whom she had not seen for several days (and wouldn't have anyway because said daughter was ON A CRUISE), another mother was able to speak to her indifferent son via cell phone, and several other humans were able to watch a floating toilet inch its way closer to Mobile, Alabama.

Watch a CNN Reporter Compare the Disabled Carnival Cruise Ship to Hurricane Katrina

Taylor Berman · 02/15/13 12:24AM

As you're all probably well aware, the shit-covered Carnival cruise ship finally arrived in Mobile, Alabama earlier tonight. CNN dropped all other news to cover the event as though it were some sort of national disaster, which it clearly isn't. Only don't tell that to CNN's Martin Savidge, who during an interview with passenger Rob Kenny, compared conditions aboard the ship to life in New Orleans immediately after Hurricane Katrina. You know, the storm that killed thousands and nearly destroyed a major U.S. city. Thankfully, Kenny put Savidge in his place, telling him: "Well, let's put that in perspective. Katrina was a major a devastation. We're out on a freaking cruise ship, and just out here having a good time...those are two different things."

Disabled, Shit-Covered Cruise Ship Descends to New Circle of Hell Off the Coast of Alabama

Max Read · 02/14/13 03:28PM

The Carnival cruise line disabled by a fire and left floating for days, stinking of shit and piss, has reached a new level of horror as the towline taking it to Alabama—where its passengers would, finally, be able to disembark and go home—broke, leaving them floating once more in the Gulf of Mexico, 30 miles from shore. It's been fixed, and the ship is moving again—but as these images show, it's still not pretty.