Cheez Is Healthy, For the Right Price

Hamilton Nolan · 03/24/15 08:53AM

Though I enjoy a good slice of American Cheez Food Product as much as the next unsophisticated child, I would not be so bold as to declare that product to be "healthy." Prestigious nutritionists bound to differ!

Just Drink Water

Hamilton Nolan · 03/11/15 11:18AM

A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.

An Isolation Tank in Winter is the Best Place to Feel Happy and Alone

Dayna Evans · 03/06/15 12:00PM

At an aggressively loud party a few weeks ago, as the lights from a rainbow disco ball flashed directly into my eyes, I thought about the float tank. A skinny white DJ bounced along to an EDM remix of a well-known pop song, but nestled behind my forehead was serenity and peace. I stayed for one drink and got the fuck out, hustling through the streets of New York with the image of capsuled meditation dancing in my brain. If I tried to imagine it hard enough, I was floating like a baby in the womb.

Good News on Cancer for Americans (Not for the Rest of You)

Hamilton Nolan · 12/31/14 01:00PM

Did you get cancer recently? You did? Uh... sorry. I'm very sorry. I thought you were going to say "no." Jesus. Uh... take heart in your many fellow Americans who have not gotten cancer recently—thanks to science, etc!

Hamilton Nolan · 11/17/14 09:05AM

If you get Ebola, it turns out that the single best thing you can do is to drink a gallon of water a day. "I want sports personalities to be talking about it," says a doctor in Sierra Leone. "I want everybody to be talking about it." Spread the word!

Hamilton Nolan · 11/07/14 09:20AM

A new study finds that "Cigars may be as bad for your health as cigarettes." Surprise, I guess? Fortunately cigar smokers are mostly teens and rich guys, so no big loss.

Forty Percent of Your Kids Will Get Diabetes

Hamilton Nolan · 08/13/14 10:42AM

If you have a "young one" waddling around your home at the moment (because it is your child), I suggest you lift them off the ground with a mighty effort, shake them (as much as you're able), and scream, "There's a 40% chance you will have diabetes one day!" (until your muscles give out).

You Need a Window In Your Office or Else

Hamilton Nolan · 08/11/14 04:05PM

Do you work in an office? Do you work in an office with harsh, artificial lighting? Do you know when you will die? Younger than you need to, I bet.

Today in "New and Awful Things About Being Poor"

Hamilton Nolan · 08/05/14 09:23AM

In addition to all of the fun "food stamps" and free nights in jail, here is another thing to look forward to as a reward for being poor: having your limbs amputated.