Polls Confirm Hawaii Has Been Least Stressed State Since Polls Started

Maggie Lange · 04/25/13 09:20AM

Hawaii! Most of you occupies an island chain land formation that is also one of the most beautiful words in all languages. Photos suggest you have so many flowers that necklaces had to be created. The current U.S. President is from your tropical climate and the nation's premier fictional dreamboat, Don Draper, just visited your shores. You are having a moment.

Long-Serving Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye's Last Word: 'Aloha'

Robert Kessler · 12/17/12 06:30PM

Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, a Democrat, has died of respiratory complications, according to his office. Sen. Inouye was 88 years old and a veteran of World War II. He had held his Senate seat since 1963; before that, he served in the House of Representatives, meaning he had represented Hawaii in Congress since it became a state in 1959.

Shut It Down: God Calls Election for Obama with Epic Double Rainbows Near the President's Old Elementary School

Cord Jefferson · 11/06/12 04:45PM

Breaking: The Lord herself has called today's election for Barack Obama—and thrown her support behind gay marriage!—with these totally badass double rainbows over Honolulu polling place Hokulani Elementary, a school only a mile or two from where President Obama grew up. You should probably still vote if you haven't already, just in case, but this one's pretty much in the bag, bro.

President Obama Eats Traditional Christmas Baby

Max Read · 12/27/11 01:30PM

President Obama took part this weekend in one of the most ancient and eagerly-anticipated presidential traditions: the annual Christmas Baby Eating, a ritual that goes back to well before recorded history. Said to have been started by the semi-mythical "first president," Benjamin Franklin (who archaeologists believe to be a composite of several different minor American warlords, and most likely not a historical person), the Christmas Baby Eating has recently come under fire from pundits like Nate Silver, who use statistics to argue that it has no real bearing on presidential success or virility, despite the frequent claims of the Secretary of Necromancy and Occult Services. Even so, President Obama is currently enjoying a small bump in the polls—a natural fluctuation, or the result of pleasing Yogg-Sothoth by consuming the blood of the newly-born?

Has the Obamas' Dog Been Lying About His Whereabouts?

Jim Newell · 12/23/11 02:00PM

The conspiracy theories are happening so fast now that they're basically resolved before they even start, but let's not let this one escape the eternal clutches of the Gawker Archives: Did the Portuguese water dog Bo Obama — who's already been under heavy Christmas card scrutiny this week — fly out to Hawaii with Michelle Obama and the kids, and then fly back just to Washington for a photo-op with President Obama? Imagine the cost to taxpayers! Congress, please get back to town for a quickie impeachment.

Half-Naked Torch-Wielding Man Delights Hillary Clinton

Jim Newell · 11/15/11 12:29PM

Oh man, why don't we all get to go to Hawaii right now! The Obamas and Hillary Clinton get to go to Hawaii, for a conference. What about the rest of us? Impeach them. Look at the fun they're having. Hillary Clinton and Donald Tsang, the "chief executive of Hong Kong," were posing for a Hawaii photo and who runs past but this guy in a loin cloth with his torch. Everyone laughs! He was probably late for his fire dancing job, the silly billy.

Cheap Supermarket Sandwich Briefly Tears Family Apart

Lauri Apple · 10/31/11 05:38AM

Hawaii residents Nicole and Marcin Leszczynski recently went to jail and lost custody of their daughter for about 18 hours, all because they forgot to pay for a $5 sandwich at the Safeway. If their story were a Lifetime movie it would be titled Police State in Paradise.

Why Is Newt Gingrich Going to Hawaii?

Jim Newell · 08/17/11 11:22AM

Unpopular 1990s politician Newt Gingrich likes to hit all the big early presidential primary stops: Istanbul, the Greek Islands, California, California again, and Hawaii. Yes, Newt Gingrich appears to be going on a working vacation again, to "fundraise" during the week of his wedding anniversary.