Officials expect thousands of fish to die after a leak in Honolulu's molasses pipeline dumped more than 233,000 gallons of the sugary substance into the city's harbor on Monday. The spill has already killed hundreds of fish and other marine life in the harbor, and environmental experts predict it will soon spread to nearby reefs.
Hawaii! Most of you occupies an island chain land formation that is also one of the most beautiful words in all languages. Photos suggest you have so many flowers that necklaces had to be created. The current U.S. President is from your tropical climate and the nation's premier fictional dreamboat, Don Draper, just visited your shores. You are having a moment.
Security screeners at a court in Honolulu were having a regular, run-of-the-mill day earlier this week when they noticed something unusual as they X-rayed a man's bag – an object appeared to be moving inside. When the guards asked the man, Michael Hubbard, to open his bag, he initially refused. The screeners insisted.
Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, a Democrat, has died of respiratory complications, according to his office. Sen. Inouye was 88 years old and a veteran of World War II. He had held his Senate seat since 1963; before that, he served in the House of Representatives, meaning he had represented Hawaii in Congress since it became a state in 1959.
Breaking: The Lord herself has called today's election for Barack Obama—and thrown her support behind gay marriage!—with these totally badass double rainbows over Honolulu polling place Hokulani Elementary, a school only a mile or two from where President Obama grew up. You should probably still vote if you haven't already, just in case, but this one's pretty much in the bag, bro.
A woman in Hawaii was swimming off the coast of Maui when a 12-foot-tiger shark attacked her. Despite finding herself in literally the most terrifying situation imaginable, the woman, who has a black belt in tae kwon do, kept cool and preemptively attacked the hellish sea beast with a punch to its nose.
In a surprise finish almost no scientists predicted, Honolulu International finished third in the competition against all other U.S. airports to determine the airport most likely to spread the next outbreak of a SARS or swine flu-like epidemic. Perennial disease magnets JFK and LAX took first and second place, respectively.
President Obama took part this weekend in one of the most ancient and eagerly-anticipated presidential traditions: the annual Christmas Baby Eating, a ritual that goes back to well before recorded history. Said to have been started by the semi-mythical "first president," Benjamin Franklin (who archaeologists believe to be a composite of several different minor American warlords, and most likely not a historical person), the Christmas Baby Eating has recently come under fire from pundits like Nate Silver, who use statistics to argue that it has no real bearing on presidential success or virility, despite the frequent claims of the Secretary of Necromancy and Occult Services. Even so, President Obama is currently enjoying a small bump in the polls—a natural fluctuation, or the result of pleasing Yogg-Sothoth by consuming the blood of the newly-born?
The conspiracy theories are happening so fast now that they're basically resolved before they even start, but let's not let this one escape the eternal clutches of the Gawker Archives: Did the Portuguese water dog Bo Obama — who's already been under heavy Christmas card scrutiny this week — fly out to Hawaii with Michelle Obama and the kids, and then fly back just to Washington for a photo-op with President Obama? Imagine the cost to taxpayers! Congress, please get back to town for a quickie impeachment.
Disappointing(ly) naked person Lindsay Lohan and her shapeshifting sister Aliana have been vacationing in Hawaii this weekend to escape from their life burdens. Of course, Lindsay encountered her nemesis, The Wicked Dr. Drama, while standing in line for another non-alcoholic pineapple drink and this produced consequences, which subsequently transformed into strange gossip news.
Oh man, why don't we all get to go to Hawaii right now! The Obamas and Hillary Clinton get to go to Hawaii, for a conference. What about the rest of us? Impeach them. Look at the fun they're having. Hillary Clinton and Donald Tsang, the "chief executive of Hong Kong," were posing for a Hawaii photo and who runs past but this guy in a loin cloth with his torch. Everyone laughs! He was probably late for his fire dancing job, the silly billy.