Burn Planet Fitness to the Ground

Hamilton Nolan · 03/20/14 11:59AM

Are you a member of the "Planet Fitness" gym chain? If so, we regret to inform you that your gym must be doused in gasoline and set alight immediately. Why? One poor, fit woman's tale should explain.

No, You Can't Work In

Hamilton Nolan · 06/01/12 09:04AM

There I was, at the gym, the other day, sitting there, on a piece of gym equipment, in between sets, taking a short break, a moment's rest, a slight breather, if you will, and along comes this gym guy, looking all gym-y, wearing his gym clothes, with his gym attitude, and he walks right up to me just as bold as you please, in his gym shorts, and he's all, while I'm sitting there, he's all, "Can I work in?"

Rampaging Gymgoer Killed by Taser Attack

Seth Abramovitch · 11/01/11 12:53AM

Anyone who works out at a gym with any regularity is familiar with the unspoken laws of the weight room jungle: Allow fellow gymgoers to "work in"; don't grunt like a horny ape upon exertion; and, most importantly, don't lift your shirt to nipple level and admire your own abdominals in the mirror for extended periods of time. It's all pretty common sense stuff, and for the most part, people abide by it, making the gym a pleasant experience for everyone. But then, of course, there are those who don't.

Gym Chain Offering 9/11 Anniversary Specials

Seth Abramovitch · 08/11/11 10:25PM

At the height of the Second World War, FDR gave a stirring radio address in which he reassured the American public that "no matter how dark the hour, we can take great comfort in knowing that an overpriced gym chain will eventually capitalize on it a decade later with some self-serving, bullshit coupon they damn well know no one will ever use." And what do you know? History has once again gone and repeated itself. Congrats, New York Sports Clubs! You are true patriots, through and through.

The Dumbest Way to Pick a Personal Trainer

Hamilton Nolan · 06/24/11 11:47AM

News arrives today that fancy gym Equinox is instructing all of its personal trainers to spend the next few weeks getting in extra-good shape, because the company is about to start making them wear fancy new "form-fitting tops" that will be unflattering to anyone with a stray millimeter of body fat. This is fantastic news, because it will cause the vain rich people who go to Equinox to select their personal trainers on the dumbest possible criteria.

Voracious Americans Demand More Calories in Snak Paks

Hamilton Nolan · 04/21/11 02:53PM

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Your Gym Sucks

Hamilton Nolan · 01/27/11 01:16PM

Oh gosh, something to be concerned about: people now are just going to cheap gyms and working out and leaving, rather than indulging in the "community" of group classes and flirting and juice bars. Will gyms ever be annoying again?

Madonna's New Gym Chain: Now You Can Look Just Like Madonna

Richard Lawson · 10/25/10 12:24PM

Millennia-old, fitness-crazed pop singer Madonna has partnered up with some investors to open ultra-luxe Hard Candy gyms around the world, the first a 30,000 sq.ft. megaplex in Mexico City. Just what sets a Madonna gym apart from the rest?