Alarming reports in the national media today are painting a picture of an America in which men pursue nontraditional sports. Such a development could spell doom for football, baseball, and basketball, the three real sports that this great nation has produced which define manhood for millions of terrified young adolescent males who would really rather be playing Wii or listening to music or doing something artistic, but are instead forced to prove their mettle by getting seriously injured by their larger peers. This is how it has always been. But now, American males are being seduced by the twin threats of gymnastics and synchronized swimming. We have video evidence, and the chilling cautionary tales, below.