Obama Acting Like a "Rapper" Shames America on the World Stage

Hamilton Nolan · 11/11/14 09:41AM

In the midterm elections, the United States people sent the message: No, we don't like you, Baracks Hussein Obama. Shockingly, our "Commander in Chief" has now extended an enormous metaphorical middle finger—to the whole wide world!

Diet Coke Will Also Kill You, FYI

Hamilton Nolan · 02/09/11 05:44PM

Breast cancer shocker! Gum healthiness! Lonely exercising! Teen girl suicide! Young strokes! Egg cholesterol! Diet soda heart attack! Baby obesity! And L.A.'s official guide to ecstasy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while rolling, in the official style!

Spanish Government Wants to Make Gum Less Sticky

Max Read · 11/29/10 11:51PM

The Spanish government has decided that it's spending too much money cleaning chewing gum off the pavement. So, effective immediately, gum-droppers will be shot on sight. Kidding! No, the actual solution is to make gum less sticky.

Karma Attacks, Beats Wrigley's Chris Brown Campaign

Hamilton Nolan · 08/07/09 10:59AM

Wrigley had the bright idea to pay Chris "Bubblegum" Brown to put out a pop song that was actually a Wrigley commercial—but without telling anyone it was a Wrigley commercial. The public ate it up! It went huge on pop charts! Proving that people who drive chart sales have no taste, and Wrigley has no ethics.

Boycott Wrigley If You Ever Want To Hear Real Music Again

Hamilton Nolan · 07/28/08 09:33AM

Deep down in our hearts, where we keep our darkest fears hidden, we knew this day would come: the day when you find out after the fact that a hit song is actually an advertisement. Let the tears of rage flow. Chris Brown is not the vessel of true love that you thought! When the R&B star sang "We can go anywhere, go anywhere/ But first, it's your chance, take my hand, come with me," he wasn't talking to you, girl; he was talking to your Wrigley's Doublemint gum. But the company is only revealing its sponsorship after Brown's song, "Forever," had become a top-10 hit. We don't want to appear as if we invest the music of Chris Brown with any meaning whatsoever; but now would be an appropriate time to begin boycotting Wrigley, if you would like to have the option of listening to songs that aren't sponsored by mega-corporations in the coming decade.