The Iowa Governor's Race Has Turned Into a Mustache War

Allie Jones · 06/11/14 10:51AM

It's getting harder and harder to tell the difference between all the white guys running for office in this country. Thankfully, Iowa gubernatorial candidate Jack Hatch is here to help. He shaved his mustache on camera to distinguish himself from his opponent, current Republican Gov. Terry Branstad.

Match the Quote with the Political Sex Scandal

Jim Newell · 11/09/11 03:17PM

It's time to play Match the Quote with the Political Sex Scandal! Why? Well, why not? The rules are complex, but surely you all can figure it out: You match the name of a political figure involved in a sex(ual harassment) scandal with one of his quotes from the time! See? I knew you could figure it out.

Florida's Governor Declares War on Useless Degrees

Jim Newell · 10/12/11 11:33AM

Florida's comically unpopular governor, Rick Scott, has decided to pick another new, arbitrary fight: This time with anthropology majors! And psychology majors, and really all liberal arts/social science majors, whom he believes his state university system subsidizes for no good reason. Have any of these invalids ever gotten a job, in Florida? There is no reason to humor them any longer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Entered Politics to 'Freak Everyone Out'

Jim Newell · 09/29/11 03:35PM

Did you or any Californians you know vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 2003 California gubernatorial recall election because you thought it would be funny? Good for a laugh? The source of years of bad "Governator" jokes, and so on? Then you heard the campaign message clearly, because that's why Schwarzenegger chose to run, too.

South Carolina Governor Orders State Workers to Be Extra Fake-Nice

Jim Newell · 09/27/11 03:53PM

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, in what was eerily like the product of a micromanager's latest, dreaded "Aha!" moment, has ordered all state workers to answer the phone with this greeting line from now on: "It's a great day in South Carolina. How can I help you?" Cute! Hmm.

George Pataki Oddly Close to Running for President

Jim Newell · 08/22/11 11:27AM

If you were a former three-term governor of New York and had dealt with all of Albany's crap for 12 years, wouldn't you hate politics and life so much that you'd want to go fishing or golfing or part-time corporate lobbying all the time, alone, while anxiously awaiting your death that just can't come soon enough? Yeah, you would! But if you're George Pataki, you apparently want to run for president. Hmm.

Go Yell at Florida's Governor, at the Donut Shop!

Jim Newell · 08/03/11 03:29PM

Florida Gov. Rick Scott is still digging deep for anything, anything that can restore his approval ratings from their comically low lows. His latest scheme involves pretending to work various shitty low-wage jobs, to prove... something. Yesterday, for example, he worked the counter at a Tampa donut shop. This was a great opportunity for the locals to visit said donut shop and call him an asshole. [via]

Is Rick Perry Preparing to Hurt George W. Bush's Feelings?

Jim Newell · 07/06/11 01:38PM

Were Texas Gov. Rick Perry to run for president, the consensus take goes, how would he ever distance himself from his gubernatorial predecessor, disgraced former president George W. Bush? They're both "Texas cowboys" who babble on like happy drunks, all the time, so Perry might face the problem of "reminding" voters of Bush. Should Perry, then, work to "distance" himself from Bush, even if this hurts the ex-president's feelings?

Andrew Cuomo Will Make New York Fracktastic

Jim Newell · 06/30/11 02:33PM

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo became the nation's progressive superhero and pre-determined 2016 Democratic nominee for president just last week, with the legalization of same-sex marriage. So what's next for this once-in-a-generation liberal lion? How about ditching the state's moratorium on dangerous hydraulic fracturing for natural gas? Hmm.

Florida's Governor Wants You to Forward Nice Letters about Him

Jim Newell · 06/20/11 02:21PM

Florida Gov. Rick Scott is terribly unpopular in his state after turning down billions in federal transportation dollars, requiring public employees to take drug tests at the drug-testing company he founded, being an asshole, and so on. How will he ever get his approval ratings out of the 20s? He won't do a thing. You, however, will send pre-written letters to the editors of seven Florida newspapers, and you will do it right now.

Another Republican Governor Removes Painting of Poor People

Jim Newell · 06/07/11 01:46PM

Don't you just love this new batch of Republican governors? This may be the first crop to produce two governors who've pissed people off by removing paintings of the poor in their first months in office. First there was Maine Gov. Paul LePage, who took down a large labor mural because it gave businessmen the willies. Now our old pal from Wisconsin, Gov. Scott Walker, has removed a painting of poor, homeless, minority kids from his mansion, because he preferred some painting of an old bald eagle instead.

Charlie Crist Now Just Another Ambulance Chaser

Jim Newell · 05/04/11 04:38PM

Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist always wanted to be president, and was in the hunt to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate in 2008. Then the Tea Party emerged and threw his 2010 moderate-Republican campaign for Senate off the tracks. Now he's just another liberal plaintiffs' attorney plugging personal injury services, in Florida. Watch his TV ad and cry! [via RealClearPolitics]