Man Who Wants to be Commander-In-Chief Panics When Asked to Choose Best Friend

Hudson Hongo · 07/14/16 10:15PM

According to CNN, Donald Trump asked Mike Pence to be his running mate early Thursday evening and Pence accepted, but (as the Indiana governor is surely learning) even the clearest decision is always up for negotiation to Trump. Just hours later, the candidate told Fox News he has yet to make up his mind about who he’s taking to the election, saying, “I’ve got three people that are fantastic” and “I haven’t made my final, final decision.”

We Must Deject This House: Mitt Romney's Terminal Speech

Mobutu Sese Seko · 08/31/12 01:50PM

While regular-sized Mitt Romney stood inside the Tampa Bay Times Forum, telling regular-sized fables, his 40-foot-high head boomed from the side of a parking garage. The image called for blood-red banners and black bunting, for Dwight Schrute pounding the podium and yelling, "BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY." Instead, Mitt pulled an awkward smile, wincing and unconvincing, unctuously excusing himself into our hearts—the Jim Halpert of the annals American politics.

My Work Here Is Done

Hamilton Nolan · 08/30/12 12:48PM

Goodbye, Tampa. I'm leaving you. When I think back on our time together, I will always remember the immortal words of ODB:

BREAKING: Herman Cain Blows the MSM's Romney Myths Clear Out of the Water

Hamilton Nolan · 08/30/12 11:25AM

REPORTING LIVE FROM THE TAMPA CONVENTION CENTER'S RADIO ROW—Just moments ago, the political world's axis tilted directly towards the second floor of the Tampa Convention Center, near the back doors, where onetime pizza restaurateur Herman Cain delivered a scorching call for truth to the assembled voracious media scrum.

O Come, All Ye Faithful, to Your Republican Baptism

Hamilton Nolan · 08/30/12 09:38AM

To watch America's most treasured political theater play out firsthand is to come to understand that this is not about real things that happen in the world outside of television boxes and the mouths of anointed leaders. This is a mass indulgence of the faithful in the collective ecstasy of their faith. As an act of cognitive dissonance, the speeches of the Republican convention were breathtaking in their boldness.

Republicans Are Buying Atrocious Souvenirs

Hamilton Nolan · 08/29/12 05:40PM

There is an official Romney/ Ryan souvenir store in the Tampa Bay Times Forum, where the convention is being held. It's a store that would normally be selling Tampa Bay Lightning shirts and whatnot, but now it's selling souvenirs to people with poor taste who may not even like hockey.

Chris Matthews and Andrew Breitbart Meet at a Sad Mall

Hamilton Nolan · 08/29/12 04:05PM

The Republican Convention isn't all "inside baseball" and "delegates" and "wandering around inside prison-style fencing in search of meaning." It's also about venturing out to see "the real Tampa." Sometimes, you have to get out of your chair, go "outside the wire," and take in a screening of a haranguing right wing documentary with an unmistakably karmic ending.

Ron Paul's Great Rock-N-Roll Swindle at the RNC

General Zeevi · 08/29/12 02:50PM

Yesterday the Ron Paul rEVOLution was thrown out in the gutter, alongside the storm-bathed protesters carrying 99% signs. Thanks to the RNC's backroom rules changes, the good doctor's delegates were not seated. Supporters' chants of "point of order!" from the convention floor failed to incite a floor fight. Their overwhelming "nay" vote on the rules changes went ignored by John Boehner (R-Leatherette), who gaveled the faint "ayes" into the record books.

The Darwinian Free Food Hierarchy

Hamilton Nolan · 08/29/12 12:30PM

Pretty much any asshole can get some kind of credential to get into a political convention; a look at the press room can tell you that. It's a low bar. Which is not to say that the RNC organizers are fools.

Republicans Are Just Like You: Creepy Two-Bit Bad Actors

Hamilton Nolan · 08/29/12 09:15AM

You can't really appreciate the extent to which politicians are actors until you're seated in a shitty press seat at a political convention that does not give you a direct view of the stage, but which does give you a view of a huge TV screen showing the politician speak and, simultaneously, a view of the teleprompter from which they're reading. In this position, every dramatic pause, every glowing smile, every instance of pointy-finger and raised voice and shaken head can be seen for what it really is: an actor, reading lines, trying to get the part.

Here's Video of the GOP Convention Booing the Delegate from Puerto Rico the Ron Paul Ruling (UPDATED)

Taylor Berman · 08/28/12 06:21PM

The sensible and not-at-all xenophobic and/or racist GOP Convention attendees welcomed the delegate from Puerto Rico with boos and shouts of "USA!" The "lady from Puerto Rico," as RNC Chairman Reince Priebus put it, tried to join in on the "USA!" chant to no avail. It seems like the GOP's "overtures to women and Latinos," a supposed centerpiece of the convention in Tampa, is going just as planned.

'You Can't Get There from Here': Nobody Knows Where Anything Is at the RNC

Mobutu Sese Seko · 08/28/12 05:40PM

If you don't know where you're going at the Republican National Convention, one of the things you notice first is that nobody else does either. The upside of this is that, once beyond the security cordon, you can do pretty much whatever you want, in an event surrounded by federal agents. The downside is that it's chaos.

An Insider's Guide to the First 20 Minutes or So of the Totally Confusing Convention Kickoff

Hamilton Nolan · 08/28/12 03:05PM

Celebration time: Day-Two-Which-Is-Actually-Day-One of the Republican Convention is now, as we speak (type), UNDERWAY in Tampa, a hot parking lot located in a swing state. We can assure you that our investigations have revealed that absolutely no one, including those in official capacities, know where the fuck they are supposed to go right now. Here are a few of the most crucial "insider" factoids that you will need to know about this vital U.S. political institution going forward:

So Ya Thought Ya Might Like to Go to the Show: On the RNC Floor

Mobutu Sese Seko · 08/28/12 11:15AM

Whatever ugliness might later emanate from the Tampa Bay Times Forum, there's no escaping that, for now, its interior is stunning. The much-mocked array of LED screens, bordered in hardwoods meant meant to evoke America's living room, create a captivating depth of field behind the podium. Textured images split amongst them feel like looking at panels of an American tapestry, which is precisely the intended effect.