Another Bad Year for Gold Bugs

Hamilton Nolan · 12/31/15 11:30AM

Gold, the favored investment of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and the old man at the post office who invited you over to see his industrial-size canned bean supply room, is down for the third straight year.

There's Gold in Your Poop

Brendan O'Connor · 03/23/15 10:01PM

Life is mostly suffering—no matter how well you treat others and yourself, and no matter how much gratitude you claim to feel—because, at bottom, people are full of shit. But, it turns out, their shit is full of gold! So that's all right.

Surgeons Find 12 Gold Bars Inside Man's Stomach

Matt Murphy · 04/20/14 02:10PM

A 63-year-old Indian businessman was having stomach trouble. He told his doctors he'd swallowed a water bottle cap out of anger after arguing with his wife—totally normal thing to do, nothing to see here—and had since been vomiting and having difficulty going to the bathroom.

Hamilton Nolan · 02/28/14 05:24PM

A new research paper says there is evidence that five major banks may have been improperly colluding to manipulate the price of gold for the past decade. Shocking behavior, if true.

Man 'Threw $500,000 In Trash' to Keep Divorcing Wife from Getting It

Neetzan Zimmerman · 10/29/13 08:44AM

A Colorado man being divorced by his wife of 25 years after he allegedly beat her and held her captive during a fight over finances claimed in court that he had the couple's life savings of $500,000 converted to gold before dumping it all in the trash.

Bejeweled European Skeleton Gods Discovered By "Macabre Art" Expert

Ken Layne · 09/10/13 12:00PM

In the middle of the European Renaissance, these fantastic skeleton gods were being constructed in the bowels of Europe's Catholic churches. Los Angeles art historian and photographer Paul Koudounaris found these secret saints in catacombs and storage bins across the old Holy Roman Empire.

Let's All Enjoy the Collapse of Gold Prices Together

Max Read · 04/15/13 08:09AM

YouTube commenters have many lessons to teach us. Lessons like: Trayvon Martin was a thug! White people are oppressed! The creator of this particular piece of content is a faggot! Infowars dot com! Invest in gold to avoid being suckered by the reptoid-controlled Fed and its fiat currency!

Herman Cain's Just Another Wacky Gold Bug Now

Hamilton Nolan · 05/14/12 08:49AM

Whatever happened to that guy, baldie, the funny mustache man, the one who was momentarily taken seriously as a Republican candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America? Pizza guy? Oh, I see—he's just writing op-eds in the WSJ to reconfirm his fundamental lunacy. What say you, Herman Cain?

Goldline Execs Charged With Being Fraudsters

Jim Newell · 11/02/11 02:58PM

Prosecutors in Santa Monica, CA have filed 19 criminal charges against the gold sellers Goldline International for allegedly running a "bait and switch operation" using prominent spokespeople like Fox News' Glenn Beck.

Man Somehow Fails to Turn His Poop Into Gold By Heating It

Lauri Apple · 10/21/11 08:12AM

Our mom says that "anything's possible if you put your mind to it," and she's never wrong, so we're fairly certain that there is some way to transform human poop into gold. But mixing the poop with fertilizer and putting it on a heater is not that way, as Irish wannabe wizard Paul Moran recently discovered.

Gold as Valuable as Platinum Now

Hamilton Nolan · 08/08/11 08:13AM

One good (bad? Who knows, really?) consequence of the impending re-collapse of the world's financial markets: gold prices have risen so high—$1,715 per ounce, at the moment—that gold is now virtually the same price as platinum. A wee bit more expensive, even! All rappers will now be required to trade in their platinum chains for gold ones. Wearing a platinum chain is now as wack as wearing a silver chain was, last week.

There's Still Time to Sell All Your Gold

Hamilton Nolan · 06/06/11 10:34AM

Perhaps you think of yourself as a "rational investor," and you're not normally "the type" to make major investment decisions based on the shrill urgings of a pop culture internet blog. Until now. Sell your gold! It's not too late!

Now's the Time to Bet Against Gold

Hamilton Nolan · 03/14/11 04:16PM

Nothing loves disaster more than gold prices. Thanks to the unspeakable devastation in Japan, gold prices rose once again today, and investors have high hopes that they'll just keep on rising for the foreseeable future.

The Next American Gold Rush Is On

Hamilton Nolan · 02/11/11 05:05PM

Pop quiz: what's the correct conclusion to draw about our economy from the following news? The NYT reports that 1850s-era gold mines in California—many of which have not been working mines for 40 years or more—are now being reopened for prospecting. "Gold will soon be big business again in California's Mother Lode, in the same area of the Sierras - and occasionally the same mines - where the old-time prospectors once used pick axes, ore carts and burros to chase their riches."

Stephen Colbert Tackles the Gold Standard

Whitney Jefferson · 01/05/11 01:47PM

Ron Paul wants the American public to be able to use gold and silver as legal tender—and Stephen Colbert agrees! Someone should really let him know that dropping actual dollars into the ocean doesn't create sand dollars, though.