Last week we asked you to help us find gifts for the kind of people who spend most of their time trolling the internet for weird stuff: print-on-demand books about celebrity dick size, nonsensical custom-made t-shirts, and ill-advised search-engine-optimized gift results. As we expected, you returned a selection of complete and utter crap — but beautiful, weird crap. Some of the best:
Last week on Black Friday, we asked you to suggest gifts for cat caretakers who post their feline friends on Instagram, but aren't stereotypically sad lonely weirdos. Many of you were too busy buying cases of discounted Furbies or doing something stupid with your families and didn't bother to help us and I'll have you know my cat is seriously pissed. But those of you who did offer us help, here's a note of gratitude from my cat: ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc43df jmy6 RT n09t69.* nm2œΩ3yyyyyyyyy45 uyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. <—-That's real by the way.
Last week, we asked you to embark with us on a leisurely paddleboat ride down the river Nostalgia to help choose the best gifts who people who not only lived through, but, remember the 90s. You delivered like DOMINO'S (in under 30 minutes or it's free—until that guarantee was dropped in the '90s because harried deliverymen kept getting into car accidents).
Last week, we asked you how you reconcile the precarious position of having to buy a gift for someone you hate. This was a joke question that brought out a lot of truth, which was nice. Thank you for sharing your stories and suggestions. I do not hate you for that and would buy you a straightforwardly nice gift if I knew you. Our favorites are below.
There comes a time in every former child's life when enough earnings have him or her playing Santa to those who once did (if you in fact celebrated Christmas; if you didn't, you know what I'm talking about). Parents are often kinda wack, which means you could float on mediocrity, closing your eyes, spinning and buying the first thing you point at in a Brookstone or the Sharper Image or, hell, WalMart.
In theory, cat people are easy to please. Just slap a wretched meowing illustration on a canvas tote bag and—voila—you have a present for your local cat freak. Buy them a kitten calendar and be assured they will secretly pet it everyday on the way out the door. Order a "humorous" catnip party-pack and receive the polite chuckle an herbal blend called Cat-Astrophy deserves.
Drunk people aren't as easy to buy gifts for as you might think. It's true that everything they need to keep themselves entertained comes in a nice little bottle, but on the other hand they could probably really use something practical to compliment their drunkenness—something they can appreciate even when they are sober and something you can appreciate even when they are drunk. But what do you get for a person who likely won't remember that you bought them a gift? The best path to go down is the one that will make you both happy. Whatever you buy should triple as a durable necessity for when your drunk friend is too drunk, something that will minimize your involvement in their late-night shenanigans, and something that will still seem like a useful/fun gift if they open it sober.
The holidays couldn't come sooner for the nation's Republicans, who just suffered a devastating repudiation of everything they hold dear and are in the process of confronting the fact that the America they loved so much is now mostly brown and gay. What can you get them to cheer them up and help them along the inevitable journey to socialism?
Bullshit obligations: Can't live with ‘em...but actually you have to because that is the nature of obligations. If you have somehow found yourself in a situation where you are exchanging presents with a relative, in-law, co-worker, frenemy, dog walker or barista that you simply can't stand, you should give yourself the gift of a backbone and stop.
Holiday gifts for adults are dumb. Gifts for children? OK, fine, indulge the children a bit around Christmas and Hanukkah if you can afford it. It's a longstanding tradition in our culture and, if you get them a good gift, like a book, they might learn something. But gifts for adults? Please. Adults should not be asking for or giving one another gifts.
What is the internet for, if not generating boatloads of usless, search-engine-results driven detritus that you can purchase and give to your friends? We've spent a lot of time this year exploring the insane garbage offered up by the web, in its infinite wisdom — from Kony 2012 thongs to Celebrities with Big Dicks like Jay-Z, Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell, and Many More, a book consisting entirely of Wikipedia articles — and it's time to put our money where our slightly-gaping mouths are. What baffling, nonsensical gifts are you finding on Zazzle, Etsy and Idakoos for your friends this year?
Do you remember "books?" A book is basically thousands of tweets printed out and stapled together between pieces of cardboard. It may sound ridiculous, but back in colonial times (and for a number of years after) books were a major source of information and entertainment. These days, the majority of books are read by people who don't know how to use the internet. A book is a great gift for these people; it's important to replenish book-lovers' collections so they don't just stare at the wall all day.