Japan Seizes Control of Hair Club For Men

Hamilton Nolan · 07/17/12 09:22AM

If there was one thing you could always count on, it was that if you, a red-blooded American male, were ever to experience the pain of hair loss, there would always be a strong, welcoming, American-owned Hair Club For Men for you to turn to. Well. Things have changed.

White People Have Lost Control of the Heartland

Hamilton Nolan · 11/14/11 04:06PM

What an age we live in! Whereas America sprung full-formed from the breast of Jesus as a white Christian nation in 1776, now we have all types of weird foreign people here. And we welcome them, now that they've gotten in despite our considerable national spirit of xenophobia! Middle America is no longer as white as it's always been (since we killed the natives!).

Foreigners Are Making American Money Without Speaking American!

Hamilton Nolan · 11/09/11 11:17AM

Just when you think that this is America and yew better speak American if you wanna live here because my daddy worked hard to support our family and I don't pay taxes to support a buncha Mescans sneaking over the border to steal my hard-earned dollars and date my daughter, you read something like this: foreigners are making good solid American dollars—millions of 'em!—without even talkin' English like a real human. Is this that "socialism" they're always talking about?

Foreign Diplomats Suck at Paying Parking Tickets

Jim Newell · 09/21/11 01:39PM

This is all that happens when you let foreign people into the country: unpaid parking tickets, everywhere. Okay, at least that's the case for foreign diplomats, who owe millions of dollars in tickets between New York City and Washington, dating back decades.

Drunk Americans Display Patriotism by Buying Foreign Beer

Hamilton Nolan · 05/31/11 10:20AM

As an American, there is no greater service that you can perform for your country than to drink vast quantities of beer. Not pussy foreign "Heineken" or "Corona" beer, the purchase of which amounts to draining the faltering American economy in order to subsidize enemy (non-US) nations. We're talking about real god damn American beer. Budweiser. Miller. The shit that G.I. Joe would drink.

Swing In Shame, Fat Kids

Hamilton Nolan · 12/09/08 05:24PM

How to make fat Swiss children change their ways? How about slapping an "Every fifth child is overweight" sticker on playground swings which are refitted with super-thick chains to hold up the fat ass of the fat child trying to swing on the anti-fat ad swing? That'll teach 'em to go out in public! An ad agency did this, by choice. [Copyranter at Animal]

Red Eye Hates Belgium Far More Than You

Gabriel Snyder · 11/21/08 07:30PM

What did Belgium do to Red Eye's Andrew Levy? We've never really given the country much thought, to be honest. But apparently someone at Fox News' second funniest late-night offering has been deeply offended by the nation and wants revenge. Did you know the Belgians murdered Paddington Bear and are so stupid they fish for cows? We're guessing that Greg Gutfeld (or one of his writers) was either stabbed or dumped in Belgium. Or he's still not over his Chimay hangover. (Thanks go to intern Shannon for the clip!)

Chinese Taught How To Speak To Foreigners, Wheelchair Athletes

Hamilton Nolan · 07/23/08 10:29AM

We have Olympic fever! But not as much as Beijing-ians. The Chinese government is like an overanxious mama, worried her kid might start picking his nose on stage at his preschool graduation. So they're bombarding the wayward citizenry with propaganda posters directing them how to act when all the weird foreigners get to town. The oddest thing is that they go to great lengths to explain how to make pale Westerners feel at ease, when in fact much of the etiquette advice seems totally unrelated to American life. It's a culture clash that will make you chuckle! Below, actual instructions to the Chinese: Whatever you do, don't ask what someone does!