Juan Williams Is Just a Grumpy Old Republican Now

Hamilton Nolan · 08/27/13 09:04AM

Remember when Juan Williams was a respected NPR journalist? It seems so long ago. He said something dumb, got fired, got bitter, got picked up by Fox News, and now makes a living as a sort of reformed liberal talking clown, paid to confirm the right wing's prejudices. Today: Juan Williams doesn't like that rapping music, either!

Kids These Days Just as Dumb as You Were

Hamilton Nolan · 06/28/13 08:38AM

Every once in a while you run into one of these fresh-mouthed young high school graduates declaring they're going to "change the world" with their "apps" and their "new paradigm" and their "great idea for an electronic dance beat." News flash, kiddos: you're mediocre at best, just like your old man.

Tough Guy Esquire Writer Hilariously Challenges Anyone to Ten Round Boxing Match

Hamilton Nolan · 01/04/13 11:20AM

Esquire and ESPN Magazine writer Chris Jones—winner of both a National Magazine Award (though not as many as he believes he deserves) and a Gawker Least Important Writers award—has long been known as that guy. That guy who, despite having one of the more enviable writing jobs in journalism, would wail about not winning an award. That guy who would launch soul-pained howls against the merest online insult. That guy whose Twitter bio said "I'm also a big fan of The Three B's: bacon, books, and bourbon"—until now.

Big Tough Politician Has Great Plan to Put More Guns in Our Schools

Hamilton Nolan · 12/18/12 09:16AM

Oregon state Rep. Dennis Richardson (R-Fantasyland) won himself a measure of infamy when he proclaimed after the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings that "If I had been a teacher or the principal at the Sandy Hook Elementary School and if the school district did not preclude me from having access to a firearm, either by concealed carry or locked in my desk, most of the murdered children would still be alive, and the gunman would still be dead, and not by suicide." What a dick. But Dennis Richardson is not just any dick: he is a dick with a plan.

Why Are You Playing the Lottery?

Hamilton Nolan · 08/15/12 02:36PM

The Powerball jackpot is up to $320 million. Why do you play the lottery? Is it because you have a dream? Because you have hope of a better future? Because—though you know it's a long shot—you just have a good feeling about this one? Because the twinkle in your eye and the spring in your step signify your jaunty, devil-may-care attitude towards the naysayers, and a firm belief that you, a fundamentally good person, will one day get your proper reward?

Amtrak Incapable of Making World's Easiest Profit

Hamilton Nolan · 08/03/12 08:50AM

I'm sure that railroads are a tough business. Probably takes a lot of skill and savvy to turn a profit. I'll give you that. But you know what is not a tough business in which to profit? Selling food and drinks at a virtually unlimited markup to a captive audience with no other options. Amtrak cannot even make a dollar doing that.

Crazy Fools Want to Eliminate Property Taxes

Hamilton Nolan · 06/12/12 10:29AM

The key rule of responsible long term financial planning is: Whenever you build a financial surplus, even for a moment, immediately blow that surplus on a plan that will also eliminate a steady source of long term income. I was kidding! That is not actually a "good" rule of financial planning. But it is a craven political rule, and isn't that what's really important?

PR Dummies: 'Cat People Deserve to Die!'

Hamilton Nolan · 05/16/12 04:50PM

The public relations industry features a low bar for entry and an even lower bar for performance. Were the bars to get any lower, it would be an underground prison, rather than a hell on earth. This is PR Dummies. Hella dumb, every week.

Newspaper Fires Reporter for Showing Mild Sense of Enthusiasm

Hamilton Nolan · 04/12/12 09:12AM

Khristopher J. Brooks is a young reporter who was excited to be hired by the Delaware News-Journal last week. In a playful little gesture, he wrote up a fake "press release" on his own personal Tumblr announcing, "On Wednesday April 4, 2012, the News Journal Media Group acquired veteran education reporter Khristopher J. Brooks." He included some quotes about his career and background on the paper itself. For this, he was immediately fired, because NEWSPAPER WORK MUST NEVER BE FUN.

University of Texas Student Paper Wins 'Most Racist Trayvon Martin Cartoon' Contest

Hamilton Nolan · 03/27/12 02:48PM

Here's cartoonist Stephanie Eisner's latest political cartoon published in the Daily Texan, the student paper at the University of Texas- Austin. You can see "The Media" there, telling its lies again, about how the BIG BAD WHITE [*a bunch of arrows pointing to "white"*] man killed the handsome, sweet, innocent COLORED [*a bunch of arrows pointing to "colored"*] BOY. Oh, you media. Always trying to pull the wool over the WHITE man's eyes, to protect the COLORED BOYS. Blarrrrrggghhhhh.

PR Dummies: How the Big Deals Get Done

Hamilton Nolan · 03/23/12 05:01PM

Public relations encompasses a multitude of skills: audience analysis, persuasive communication, business savvy. There are those who do all of these things poorly. These are the PR Dummies. The dumbest of the dumb, every week.

The Collected Wisdom of Chet Haze

Hamilton Nolan · 02/14/12 04:50PM

Here we are six weeks into 2012, and we've barely even stopped to contemplate all of the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that pours forth from Northwestern University rap star and Tom Hanks scion Chet Haze. We will now remedy that. Below, a thorough review of all of Chet's wisdom shared on Twitter thus far this year. Absorb that shit.

Andrea Peyser Is Extremely Mad and Incredibly Dumb

Hamilton Nolan · 01/19/12 09:13AM

Animatronic tabloid rage sex screed-writer Andrea Peyser has set aside her sexcellent sexcapades for a day in order to get good and rageful about something deplorably predictable. "More rage, less sexxx" may be Andrea Peyser's catchphrase, in 2012 (time will tell). What is Andrea rageful about, today? Well, let's just see what's in the movie theaters, shall we?

The Year in Dumb, Convoluted, and Non-Terrifying Terror Plots

Hamilton Nolan · 01/10/12 02:00PM

Once again this week, the FBI has foiled an incredibly unconvincing terror plot replete with plans that fail to strike fear in the heart of any American. Sami Osmakac, a 25 year-old in Tampa, Florida, has been arrested for allegedly plotting to destroy bridges and bomb nightclubs in the name of Islam. Anyone who's been to Florida knows that destroying nightclubs in Tampa would be a great public service, to the United States of America.