Food Critics Are Worthless

Drew Magary · 05/24/12 06:20PM

For some reason, I decided to torture myself the other day by reading Pete Wells' four-star review of Le Bernardin in the New York Times. The Times sent Wells there to reaffirm that Le Bernardin is a really good place to eat and — SURPRISE! — it still is. Not that you'll ever be able to afford to eat there. There are only three people who can afford to eat at a place like Le Bernardin: Rich assholes, food critics, and other chefs who run other restaurants that only serve rich assholes, food critics, and other chefs. Here is a glimpse of Wells eating like a goddamn king:

Boring Cannibal Chef Settles for Human Meatballs

Max Read · 08/30/11 08:28PM

You'd think a professional chef who is also a cannibal would be into some ambitious human meat food, right? Nope! A 21-year-old Russian cook and (now-jailed) cannibal settled for some boring old meatballs and sausages.

Human Placenta Smoothies: Popular in Brooklyn

Maureen O'Connor · 08/22/11 02:25PM

Welcome to the terrible nexus of Foodie and Earth Mama culture: In "The Placenta Cookbook," New York Magazine reports that the placentas of Brooklyn are no longer content to be buried in gardens, or ground into powder and consumed as nutrient-rich dietary supplements. (That is so 2009.) Every placenta who is any placenta gets blended into a coconut juice smoothie, or Bloody Mary, or placenta jerky strip:

Pregnant Ladies Who Eat Garlic Have Garlicky Babies

Maureen O'Connor · 08/08/11 02:11PM

You know when a little kid sees a pregnant lady drinking a glass of OJ, and he's like "No! The baby will drown!" Turns out he's kind of right. The mother-to-be is drowning her baby in flavor, and it will impact the baby's palate forever, a new study finds. NPR reports:

Stop Encouraging These Child Foodies

Hamilton Nolan · 08/04/11 09:24AM

Food snobs themselves may ultimately provide some trickle-down benefits to the public at large—for example, you can buy "chipotle" flavored Tostitos now. But child foodies provide nothing of benefit to anyone. Just heartache and misery, to all of us. So restaurants: please do not encourage them.

Food Writer Ate Bear and Liked It

Maureen O'Connor · 11/29/10 05:41PM

Though bears "look disturbingly like people when skinned," their meat resembles "the darkest part of a high-quality pork shoulder," reports Hank Shaw. He made Siberian bear dumplings and found them pleasingly juicy, much like a Tibetan yak meat momo. [Atlantic]

British Top Chef Hilariously Re-Edited with Downgraded Food

Christopher Han · 11/05/10 04:30PM

Someone took the final episode of MasterChef — in which the chefs prepare desserts — and spliced in TV dinners in place of their dishes. The commentary remains the same so you have the judges applauding microwave ramen.

Webshows You Should Be Watching: Always Hungry

Zach Mack · 04/06/10 11:57AM

Calling all New York foodies: if restaurants, chefs and all related goings-on gets you excited, you should be watching's web series. In this short clip, we become acquainted with legendary NYC butcher and meat purveyor Pat LaFrieda.

Jonathan Safran Foer Was Right About the Meat Thing

Hamilton Nolan · 02/04/10 11:29AM

A new USDA survey finds that less than 1% of US farms are organic—meaning that the carnivore locavore yuppie fantasy that it's okay to eat meat as long as it comes from one of the few "good" farms is an unsustainable argument, in the Kantian sense. There will never be enough "good" farms to fulfill the demand for meat, so only forsaking meat altogether is a viable, ethical, environmental stance, in accord with the categorical imperative (universalization formulation). Which, not for nothing, is exactly what Jonathan Safran Foer says in his new book, so, we know he's a precious twee Brooklyn writer and all, but give up some props, along with that ham sandwich. Everyone knows you got to stay off that pork.