This past January, three intrepid Gawker employees traveled to around the corner from their office to try out New York's bougie new fitness craze: SoulCycle. What the experience lacked in comfort, it made up for in terror and also seeing Chelsea Clinton. Emboldened, last night two of them (the third is on a cruise eating hot dogs from a buffet), accepted an invitation to tackle a new fitness fad, this one favored by women of a certain age: Zumba.
First, let us present the plain facts: there is a new study out, based on statistics gleaned from "time use diaries" filled out by women chronicling their own activity. Researchers found that American women today are spending only about half as much time doing housework—vacuuming, laundry, etc.—as they were 45 years ago. During the same period of time, the amount of time that women spent sitting down and watching a screen doubled. The conclusion, based in simple biological fact, as stated in the NYT in a story headlined "What Housework Has to Do With Waistlines:"
This brash young zoot-suiter Justin Bieber had better learn something more than baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby—he had better learn some respect. Respect for rules. Respect for society. Respect for propriety. Here a nice young man like Justin is, parading around without a shirt on, torso unclad as you please. We fear that one more promising young man has fallen prey to the lure of orgiastic fashion malefaction.
The vice presidential debates are tonight. We expect and assume that, as in most elections, the debates—and the subsequent election—will be decided primarily upon the basis of which candidate most fully embodies the wise teachings of Gawker Media fitness columns. Well, shut it down, Biden has won, no need to show up today, might as well stay home and moisturize, "SNOWFLAKE" Ryan.
It seems damn hard to get in shape these days. First, Americans were devastated to learn that LapBandVip.com billboards would not turn them into fitness models; now, in another crushing blow to people who want to exercise in their living rooms with a bare minimum of effort and subsequently bear a strong resemblance to John Basedow, it seems the Ab Circle Pro is not the magical device that was promised.
Here at "I of the Tiger" Fitness Reportage Inc., we don't know much about "politics" or "economics" or "stealthy plans to decimate the social safety net while funneling untold sums to the rich." But we do know about fitness fads, exercise trends, and workout crapola. So when we heard that hokey-doke dreamboat Paul Ryan, Washington DC's most famous adherent of the P90X workout, could be the next VP, we immediately knew that it was time to exploit this fact for profit.