Red Bull to Murder Innocent Man in Heartless Marketing Stunt [UPDATED]

Mallory Ortberg · 10/14/12 01:18PM

Proving that there is nothing they will not do to ensure the phrase "it gives you wings" is permanently seared along our frontal lobes, energy drink manufacturer Red Bull has captured a man named Felix Baumgartner and imprisoned him in a tiny metal sphere. Reports indicate they plan to drop him to a certain and horrifying death some 120,000 above New Mexico and there's nothing that any of us can do about it. God have mercy.