Florida Is So Stupid

Hamilton Nolan · 09/19/14 01:40PM

You may have heard that the sea levels are rising. You may have heard that over the next several decades, rising seas will threaten major coastal cities. You may have surmised that it's dumb, then, to build houses right by the water. Not Florida!

God Almighty Sent Blake Lively a Bee Attack for Her Birthday

Caity Weaver · 08/28/14 04:05PM

With our imperfect knowledge and limited faculties constrained, as they are, by the hedges of time and space, we cannot "know," in the narrow, popularly-used sense of the word, which of the Ten Commandments Blake Lively violated that prompted God to turn her birthday into a bee hell, but it was probably 9.

Tom Scocca · 07/03/13 02:40PM

Researchers have found that merely by manipulating whether or not a newborn common lizard gets fed right away, they can change the entire trajectory of the lizard's subsequent life and behavior. Obviously this also applies to human children, which means that by the time you start sending them to test prep for preschool admissions, you've already missed your chance. Better give them away and start over.

Should Kindergartners Decide Whether You Live or Die?

Caity Weaver · 05/16/12 10:12PM

Kindergartners in Georgia are being groomed to become tyrannical little King Joffreys, wielding unprecedented power over their teachers' lives, according to The Hechinger Report. As part of a new pilot program, feedback from five-year-olds' surveys about their instructors will be used to determine whether teachers retain their jobs or receive raises.

Pride Of NYC, America Hinges On Knicks Draft Choice

Hamilton Nolan · 05/23/08 11:56AM

Because it's a lazy Friday before a long weekend, it's time to talk a bit about sports. But this is important! The Knicks, to everyone's chagrin, drew only the sixth pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Had they landed the first pick, they would have been assured of getting Derrick Rose, the best player in the nation and a great point guard, which is what the team needs. Now, draft projections say they may end up picking OJ Mayo, the USC guard and former high school phenom. Who could also be good! Why is this important? Now that supervillain Isaiah Thomas has been fired as Knicks coach, the city needs to heal again. This draft will set the tone for the team's resurrection. Even if you don't like sports, you must wish fervently for a strong Knicks squad, for the sake of NYC's honor—we cannot afford for our city to be trashed by middle American teams. It's bad for everyone here, and everyone who runs America is here, so it's bad for America. Below, a highlight video of Derrick Rose (maybe they can trade up for him!) and one of OJ May (did you know he had such a sweet jumpshot? I didn't.). THIS IS IMPORTANT.