Kate Middleton Is Having a Girl Because She Is Fat, Says Doctor

Caity Weaver · 07/17/13 03:13PM

Kate Middleton: she’s fat! Got a fat face stretched across a marshmallow head, perched atop a neck made of a stack of quarters (if we’re keeping everything to scale) that's connected to a potato body. Why’s she being all fat all the time? According to some random doctor, it's because Kate Middleton is pregnant with a daughter, who is already mean girling her from the inside.

Chris Christie Admits to Weight-Loss Surgery

Max Read · 05/07/13 07:46AM

Fat loudmouth prick Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey, is well on his way to becoming plain old loudmouth prick Chris Christie, after getting lap-band surgery to lose weight and dropping 40 pounds in three months.

Sitting Actually Makes Your Fat Ass Fatter

Brian Moylan · 12/05/11 11:20AM

You know when you spend a whole Saturday afternoon watching a marathon of America's Next Top Model a highbrow HBO show and you feel like your ass got fatter from sitting on the couch for so long? Guess what. It actually did.

Marriage Scientifically Proven to Make Women Fat

Brian Moylan · 08/22/11 02:32PM

A new study that followed more than 10,000 people for 22 years showed that women tend to gain weight in the two years following getting married and men typically gain weight two years after getting divorced. Every couple is doomed!

Fatty Foods Get You High

Max Read · 07/06/11 09:32PM

Fatty foods, new research indicates, have affect your brain in a similar way to marijuana, activating brain chemcials called endocannabinoids that "produce a drug-like feeling." This feeling—like marijuana!—then encourages you to eat more fatty foods, of course.

Study: Eating Potato Chips Makes You Fat

Jeff Neumann · 06/23/11 05:25AM

The results of a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine about weight loss will blow your mind. By analyzing the eating and exercise habits of 120,877 people over many years, doctors have concluded that downing a whole bag of potato chips makes you fat faster than just about anything else, ice cream and soda included.

Synthetic Frankenfood Oil Not a Diet Miracle After All

Hamilton Nolan · 06/21/11 04:26PM

Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!

Scientists Discover An Obesity 'Master Switch'

Seth Abramovitch · 05/15/11 09:34PM

A half-billion people on the planet, or 1 in 10, are obese, and despite Beyoncé's best efforts, that number is growing. Many of them will go on to develop obesity-linked illnesses, like heart disease and diabetes. But the dotted line between the two has never been fully understood — until now. Scientists in England have isolated the gene that acts as the body's "master switch."

Crazy People Make Crazy Soldiers, Says Science

Hamilton Nolan · 05/03/11 04:07PM

Diet food! Omega-3 death! Hormone gel! Sex health! Big belly! Fat dementia! Deadly tomatoes! Mental soldiers! And outta control asthma! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no examinations necessary!

Obese Man Found Fused to Chair Dies

Max Read · 03/31/11 12:07AM

An obese man died after being found "fused to his chair" in his Bellaire, Ohio home, where he had sat in a recliner for two years. Police—called by his girlfriend—had remove him through a hole in the wall.