Corporate "futurist" and salvia-smoking internet surfer Faith Popcorn is back—from the future! And she's brought predictions, for the benefit of the world. Would you like to know what the magical year 2009 will hold, according to a lady who has somehow convinced companies to pay money to her totally made-up "trend consultancy" for an astounding period of time? Behold the "New Rules of Engagement" for 2009, year of wonder:
Corporate America is blundering around like a particularly drunk blind man in search of some marketing tactic that will grab the hearts and minds of the public during this nightmarish, never-ending economic turmoil. And now they think they may have found it: comforting images that remind you that, hey, friends, family, and a happy home are what's really important now, not material things. (**EXCEPT FOR OUR COMPANY'S PRODUCT, THX): Companies are bringing back their old classic jingles to remind you of a happier time, before mortgage payments and credit card debt and your whore wife sleeping with the fella who came to repair your A/C. "I am stuck on Band-Aid brand cause Band-Aid's stuck on me!" "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid." Poignant. Even IKEA is encouraging happy homes:
Do you know who Faith Popcorn is? If not, consider yourself 2.4% wiser. She's a professional "futurist"—essentially, a lady who's learned how to milk money out of corporate CEOs by telling them about "trends" that she's spotted. Like her spiritual cousins, the "brand consultants," she has created an entire bullshit industry out of thin air, and become rich. Cheers to her. So anyhow, wanna know Faith Popcorn's latest important trend? Yea, it's smoking dope and traveling through space on the internet:
Finally, someone has something nice to say about purportedly evil trendspotter Faith Popcorn! "Faith doesn't tolerate bad work or stupid ideas. Yet she's so bombarded by stupidity from her deficient staff she sometimes lashes out." Could this be the voice of someone who was one of Faith's chosen pampered pets? Well, yes: "I think the issue with Faith—an issue that might come up a few times with this project— is that she plays favorites in a serious way. Any boss who engages in that kind of psychological/motivational ploy is going to alienate some people in a serious way." This tipster's final word on Faith? "She's a very unique [sic] individual, and I doubt any ex-employees bitching is going to make her change." From a less-favored current employee, though: "She creates an environment that should be investigated—please help us." Um. We've done what we can!
We asked you for more tidbits about trend forecaster Faith Popcorn's bossy ways, "both pro and con," and you listened! To everything but the "pro" part. "Pro" tipsters, hurry up and send us your tips! We so want to be fair. So, what's this we hear about that pin Faith is wearing in the photo at right, and... hmm... in every photo we've ever seen of her, come to think of it?