Yoga Clothes More Popular Than Yoga

Hamilton Nolan · 08/21/14 09:20AM

Traditionally, Americans only see the inside of a gym from January 2- January 15, before giving up on their New Year's resolutions. Their actual need for athletic apparel is minimal. This does not stop Americans from buying athletic apparel as fast as they can.

Cristiano Ronaldo Got Paid to Pretend He Puts This Device in His Mouth

Jay Hathaway · 08/06/14 12:40PM

Portuguese football stud Cristiano Ronaldo was recently convinced, either by a lot of money or some sort of solemn blood debt, to endorse a Japanese product called the Facial Fitness PAO, a workout device for your face. As you can see in this commercial, a PAO session involves cramming a bite-plate with wings into your mouth and bobbing your head like you're fellating the Golden Snitch.

Study: You Are Not Working Out

Hamilton Nolan · 07/07/14 03:53PM

In the past 20 years, the caloric intakes of Americans and the composition of their diets have not significantly changed. But obesity rates have steadily risen. Why? Probably because motherfuckers are not working out.

Burn Planet Fitness to the Ground

Hamilton Nolan · 03/20/14 11:59AM

Are you a member of the "Planet Fitness" gym chain? If so, we regret to inform you that your gym must be doused in gasoline and set alight immediately. Why? One poor, fit woman's tale should explain.

Study: Old Women Lazy as Hell

Hamilton Nolan · 12/18/13 10:05AM

It's hard enough being an elderly woman in today's society, what with sexism, ageism, and those bizarre "brooches" everyone expects you to wear. So hey, old ladies: don't make it harder on yourself by being so lazy. Get up and MOVE!

Hamilton Nolan · 12/05/13 01:14PM

Research shows that sex is only "moderate" exercise—"Though some men...used more energy for brief periods during sex than they did jogging." I bet while they were vigorously thrusting their penises.

You Can Buy Bruce Lee's Old Workout Crap Right Now

Hamilton Nolan · 10/25/13 10:43AM

Right this very minute, you can navigate to a website and place a bid for a chance to own an authentic old jumprope or dirty pair of sneakers or even a punching bag, punched by the actual fists of Bruce Lee.

Crossfit Is Super Libertarian, Cool

Hamilton Nolan · 10/02/13 03:17PM

Crossfit is an exercise program with pluses and minuses. On the plus side, it really will get you in good shape. On the minus side, its adherents sometimes resemble intolerably intense cultists, and also, it turns out, it's run by extreme libertarians who enjoy sharing pro-capitalist philosophies, to go with your squats.

Should Atheists Be Allowed to Do Yoga?

Hamilton Nolan · 07/08/13 12:43PM

Last week, a California judge ruled that a school district could teach yoga, despite objections from parents that it amounted to promoting an "Eastern religion." Now, one provocative columnist raises an even more alarming yoga issue: godless Western atheists are sullying yoga's holiness, by doing it (yoga).

Hamilton Nolan · 06/28/13 09:11AM

"Turns out, scientists say, that those who [run a 200 mile ultramarathon] show less neuromuscular fatigue, muscle damage and inflammation when compared with those athletes who take the easy way out with 100 miles."

'I Kept Thinking I Was Peeing?': Gawker Rides Bikes Underwater

Caity Weaver · 06/19/13 09:34AM

Biking in New York City is tired. Citi BikeSM takes up space on the street and a little bit of the sidewalk that was previously occupied by the street and a little bit of the sidewalk. They'll let any roving brood of vagrants into SoulCycle these days. Where can New Yorkers turn if they want to enjoy a stationary bike ride by candlelight but don't want to do that in an environment that can sustain a Mogwai's gentle magic?

Why Isn't Cocaine as Good as Exercise?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/09/13 01:05PM

The sun has risen, and it's time for "Hey, Science," our boldly scientific weekly feature in which we have your most provocative scientific questions answered by real live scientists (or related experts). No topic is off limits in our ongoing quest for truth and time-wasting. This week, doctors explain: Why do cardio exercise when you could just do cocaine?