Cannes' Opening Night: A Virtual Report

Brian Moylan · 05/12/10 04:35PM

Due to some drama with volcanic ash, we weren't able to make it to Cannes this year. Fortunately, French-speaking fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern had already washed ashore, so we hustled her over to the festival to cover it for us.

The Equation for When to Quit Watching a TV Show

Brian Moylan · 11/30/09 02:14PM

Even the best television shows run out of creative juice if they stay on the air long enough. But, when is the right time to give up hope a show will improve and abandon it forever? Finally, a handy calculation!

Project Runway: Ripped from the Headlines

Brian Moylan · 09/18/09 12:13PM

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to tell a boldface lie, the delusion that people will believe it. The vision of finally having a good episode, the delusion that we'll not make fun of it.

Paul Rudd Isn't Sure Why He Did That Eva Longoria Movie Either

Kyle Buchanan · 11/04/08 03:00PM

When producers for the Eva Longoria Parker ghost comedy Over Her Dead Body went looking for a male lead, we're sure that even they expected to settle for a "Paul Rudd type," not Rudd himself. Yet the actor turned up in the movie anyway, a decision that puzzled many after Rudd finally broke through this decade with woolly, improvised performances in Wet Hot American Summer and the bulk of Judd Apatow's cinematic oeuvre. Now, while speaking to AICN's Capone on the promo tour for his new film Role Models, Rudd admits that he'd rather leave Body off his body of work:

Eva Longoria Checks In With The Twins For Some Advice

Douglas Reinhardt · 10/08/08 04:45PM

Click to viewBoomp3.com Before proceeding down the red carpet at a charity event, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria Parker checked in with her closest associates for a bit of last minute advice. While the advice was inaudible to the normal human ear, a body language expert felt that the close associate weren’t dispensing any form of advice, but a quick boost of confidence. The expert said, “The left one said something about being really awesome while the right spoke about how they’re really workin’ it tonight.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Joan Rivers on Tom Hanks, Ricky Gervais, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 'Nazis'

Kyle Buchanan · 09/25/08 05:30PM

Bounced from E!, the TV Guide Channel, and even Stylelist.com, times have been tough for red carpet commentators Joan and Melissa Rivers. For this week's Emmy ceremony, the two were reduced to vlogging for MyHollywood.com, though the deal came with one potential upside: their patter was supposed to receive a link from AOL. However, higher-ups at AOL changed their minds when they got a gander at the footage where Rivers calls some of Hollywood's most beloved stars (including Tom Hanks, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Heidi Klum) "Nazis." Said Rivers to Page Six:

Russell Brand Offers Eva Longoria Parker a Water Sports-Soaked Threesome

Kyle Buchanan · 09/03/08 05:50PM

When we think of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, we picture a family-friendly forum where Republican candidates can come to read funny headlines out loud and maybe, finally, meet a real-life black musician. Lately, though, our G-rated suppositions have gone to hell as the lame-duck Leno has regaled the audience with stories about his interest in an underage Jessica Biel and his auto-erotic fantasies involving actress Scarlett Johansson. Into a more ribald chat show, then, does cheeky VMAs host Russell Brand walk — and boy, does he make the most of it:As he sits on the couch next to guest Eva Longoria Parker, a misheard reference to PETA sends the comedian on a tangent that splashes the audience with sexual offers they've likely never contemplated before bedtime. Bold talk when delivered to a Desperate Housewife, Russell, but we're reserving your comedy credibility until you introduce Miley Cyrus to the concept of a Dutch Oven during this weekend's VMAs.

Eva Longoria Parker Is Going To Make It Rain!

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/07/08 11:00AM

After filming a scene for the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria Parker took out a stack of bills and began to count out loud at a very high volume. One crewmember asked if Longoria Parker was going to practice her stealth tipping skills, but the popular actress said that her husband is the undercover tipper in their relationship. Another crewmember thought that Longoria Parker might be headed to the Spearmint Rhino to make it rain. Longoria shook her head and said, "Wrong. All wrong. It's my snack money for when I see Pineapple Express at the Americana tonight, dudes. Skittles and James Franco, crazy delicious!"

To Blackberry Or To Eat

Douglas Reinhardt · 07/23/08 01:05PM

The salad may provide me with enough energy to last rest of today's filming. But, my Blackberry is my Blackberry and I can talk to my husband. The salad is healthy and may be delicious; I think it's a chicken salad of some kind. But, I can talk to all of my friends and see what they're up to. I could find out if Ryan Seacrest really sleeps with his Blackberry under his pillow. I mean, I could do both, but my one handed typing skills are not as strong as I'd like them to be. Tony is good at it, though. Maybe he can teach me. I should message him about that. I think I'm going to do both because they take away my Blackberry as soon as I get within 5 feet of the set.

Who Needs Coldplay When We've Got Our 3G Iphones?

Douglas Reinhardt · 07/15/08 04:10PM

After being dropped off in Inglewood for the Coldplay concert, Eva Longoria Parker and husband Tony Parker checked their respective messages on their new iPhones. Yet the twosome became so enchanted with their new phones that they missed the concert altogether. Longoria Parker had noticed that they missed the show when the car service came back to pick them up. The driver asked if they enjoyed the concert after pulling up, but Longoria Parker thought that the man had just dropped them off. The Over Her Dead Body star realized that they had been spending all their time on their phones. Longoria asked if her husband knew that they had missed the concert, but Parker said that he had been watching Coldplay videos on YouTube; so, it was similar to being at the concert, only minus the spilt beer smell.

Retail Therapy Always Helps

Douglas Reinhardt · 04/14/08 01:30PM

After watching her husband suffer a crushing loss at the hands of Los Angeles Lakers, Eva Longoria-Parker, wife of San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, decided to work out her feelings of disappointment and frustration. Longoria-Parker told her friends that she was mostly upset because "of all the games I could've gone to this season , I had to pick the one where he loses." A friend mentioned that it would've been awesome cross promotion for the first post strike episode of Desperate Housewives if Tony had won. Longoria-Parker then held her Barneys bag and smiled, "This makes everything all right though. Now, let's get some margaritas!"

Eva Longoria Parker Is Not A Very Good Listener

Douglas Reinhardt · 03/11/08 04:15PM

FH: "The kids have got me burning the candle at both ends. It's either they want this or they want that and it always changing. We hate cupcakes. No, we love cupcakes. You know, make up your mind about what kind of treats you want to bring in for your class on your birthday, already? And Bill is no help either. He's been in a funk ever since the Coen Brothers stopped returning his calls. I always tell him that sure they might be geniuses, but they're still creepy. The Coens don't have the market cornered on being creepy geniuses. Then there's my agent. This effin guy keeps on hounding me to do this Zac Efron movie. It's a nice payday, but it doesn't challenge me as an actor. I want to be challenged with my craft. I was nominated for an Oscar! Uff. I don't know anymore, Eva. I really don't know."

He's A Pineapple

Mark Graham · 01/23/08 09:20PM

· For those of you who couldn't get enough of Deal Or No Deal's John (aka Mr. I Can Do 200 Of These), here's another clip of the retired New York City "gahbage" man whose battles with The Dealer are fast becoming the thing of legend.
· File this one under questions you've always wanted to know the answer to but have always been too afraid to ask: "How many times is too many to take Plan B in a month?" Jezebel's Slut Machine has the answer ... ish.
· The Onion comes up with alternate titles for Over Her Dead Body, the new Eva Longoria Parker shitshow that's about to hit theaters.
· "What is it like in this world of youth, where a pedestrian tear-jerk cover of 'Time After Time' by Hoobastankian California bullshit artists Saosin is considered the height of emotion, and prom is as cliched as the one shown in the initial scenes of this sure-to-be-truly-horrifying remake of the classic 1980 slasher film Prom Night?" If you haven't yet been introduced to Detour, you're in for a treat.
· Lastly, Slate's Dana Stevens put together the best Heath Ledger piece that we read all day.