Daryl Hannah Arrested at the White House Today

Brian Moylan · 08/30/11 01:49PM

Do you remember Daryl Hannah? Oh, she was in Blade Runner and Splash and...what else? Oh! She's the whistling killer in Kill Bill. Yeah, she got arrested today in front of the White House for protesting.

Why the Giant Squid Should Be the Ocean's Mascot

Adrian Chen · 06/09/11 01:11PM

You know what the problem is with the ocean? It's not overfishing, or global warming, or oil spills: It's branding. So you're an ocean? Who cares? You gotta sell it to us. You gotta have a powerful brand—a mascot. And that mascot has to be the giant squid.

Sarah Palin Murders a Caribou

Hamilton Nolan · 12/06/10 11:01AM

Future U.S. President Sarah Palin shot and killed a majestic caribou right there on her reality teevee show last night. Of course, this was necessary to sustain her family through the harsh Alaskan winter. Take a good look, America.

French 'Spiderman' Climbs Sydney Skyscraper

Jeff Neumann · 08/30/10 05:44AM

French "Spiderman" Alain Robert was arrested today for scaling a 57-story building in Australia. Robert's agent, who just happened to be on hand, said he was "shocked," and had absolutely no clue it was going to happen.

Hunters, You May Continue to Pump Animals Full of Lead

Adrian Chen · 08/28/10 04:35PM

Bet none of you Liberals had any idea about the most pressing threat to our nation's freedom since Obamacare, did you? The EPA was considering banning lead bullets because it poisoned animals. The ban has been rejected. Freedom, saved!

Socialist Liberals Trying to Restrict Rich People's Right to Waste Water

Hamilton Nolan · 07/21/10 10:08AM

For discerning individuals of extraordinary taste, an ordinary showerhead simply won't suffice. The great American values of wealth, luxury, and excess demand special, superexpensive showerheads that turn your shower into a veritable Niagara Falls. Why is Barack Obama against that?

Hippies Are Coming For Your Bottles

Hamilton Nolan · 06/23/10 09:52AM

Is there any potent symbol of American waste and excess that hippies will not ban? First, it was plastic bags, out in San Fran-cisco. Now, hippies on the opposite coast are taking on the treasured American plastic bottle.

I Am the Lorax, I Speak for the Trees. And for Coal Gasification.

Hamilton Nolan · 02/02/10 11:34AM

Dr. Seuss Enterprises is suing a new coal company that calls itself LoraxAG—the objection being that Dr. Seuss wrote the story "The Lorax" to encourage environmentalism, whereas LoraxAG is a fucking coal company. But the president of LoraxAG has a compelling argument of his own: "'The Lorax is the protector of the truffula trees,' he told [a trade publication]. 'We think this is the greenest use of coal.'"

Sucky Snooty Weenie Yuppie Foodie Greenies

Hamilton Nolan · 01/18/10 01:14PM

Do you and your mate joust over who is the best environmental person? Have both you and your mate grown so holier-than-thou that you are unable to function in a capacity other than "scold?" Do you find that everyone seems to despise you, including your mate, and your parents, and total strangers who read about you in a NYT trend story? Then you just might be this couple: