Soon we’ll have a winner in the first official contest of the 2016 election. For the Republicans, it’s likely to be Donald Trump, though it could be Sen. Ted Cruz. There is a small chance it will be Sen. Marco Rubio, the supposed “establishment” candidate. But it probably won’t be. And don’t worry: Losing—repeatedly and for a long time—is all part of Rubio’s master plan.
How can you make a difference in the American political system? Bernie Sanders supporters are having preemptively defeatist arguments about this, about whether Sanders voters should swallow their principles and support Hillary Clinton in the general election, or sit back and let the Republican nominee win, in the hopes of shocking Democrats to move left.
Surprise! Experienced exorcist and current Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal is running for President. Now, some candidates’ announcement videos may focus on things like production, a candidates’ values, and actors who have consented to being filmed—but Bobby Jindal isn’t like other candidates. Instead, here’s a video he took of his children with a camera he hid in tree.
In 1996, C.J. Phillips met Charlie Rainwater and fell in love, as young self-identified “doggy dudes” do. Now, they’d like to have a polite, civil conversation—about their right to love each other, and anything else that’s vexing you. Which is why they parked a lovely website on the domain jebbushforpresident.com.
For presidential primogeniture artist John Ellis “Jeb” Bush, distancing himself from the family name is only half the battle: He must appear to embrace the youngs as tightly as Napoleon appeared to embraced the plague-stricken poor. Fortunately, his website coders had a plan. The youngs love Bruce Willis, right?
Rick Perry’s presidential campaign launched today on the premise that you don’t need to be able to count to three as long as you can push the red button. But amid his militaristic orgy of self-praise, dumb media people had a dumb media argument about the emo twins flanking Perry. Caitlyn Jenner was involved.
Tomorrow, the citizenry of the United Kingdom will cast their votes in a general election. If you’re an American, you may have been too busy tenderly rubbing your genitals on a gun to have read much about this. Who’s fighting to lead this grey and unpleasant land onward into its inevitable irrelevancy? And how do we even do elections without an electoral college? Allow me, a Proper Brit, to get you up to speed.
Staten Island district attorney Daniel Donovan has won a special election for the house seat left open by disgraced congressman Michael Grimm, who pled guilty to felony tax evasion in December, The New York Times reports. Donovan is the same D.A. whose office failed last year to secure an indictment for Daniel Pantaleo, the NYPD officer who killed Eric Garner.