Below is a brief but shockingly accurate dramatic reenactment of what you will see in the video above, from last night's campaign coverage:
"Three reasons Obama will win; three reasons Romney will win"—Los Angeles Times headline, which accurately describes the story below, which is simply a list of "three reasons each candidate has to expect victory." (Which of these reasons are correct is not discussed.) What else is in the paper today?
Democrat Bill Owens originally had a 5,000 vote lead over Hoffman. That vote shrank to 3,000. There are 5,800 of absentee votes left to count! And though Hoffman would need to win 75% of those votes, and though presumably many of those votes were cast before Republican Dede Scozzafava withdrew from the race (and endorsed Owens), Hoffman has decided that his concession was premature. Well, Glenn Beck decided that Hoffman's concession was premature. And Hoffman just does whatever Glenn Beck says. Because he is a true conservative.
Oh my God, shut up, Tim Robbins! There are few people more insufferable than rich, self-righteous Hollywood liberals. Remember how he thought his name was taken off the voting rolls on November 4 and threw a fit that drew the cops—when the real problem, explained the New York Times very patiently, was that he had showed up to the wrong voting place? He's still traumatized (the rest of us have moved on with our lives), and has written an "open letter" on Huffington Post—the LiveJournal for celebrities—to the Board of Elections:Robbins' letter, in part:
You may recall that Tim Robbins "flipped out" at poll workers on election day, accusing them of abridging his "freedom to vote" by offering him a provisional ballot and then politely asking him to please leave the voting area since his name was not on their list. The actor had been voting at the polling place for 15 years, you see, and was used to being totally VIPed. The incident was clearly part of a conspiracy by New York City bureaucrats against rich white Hollywood liberals, so staff at the Times and at City Hall were immediately assigned to parallel investigations. The conclusion: Tim Robbins is confused and possibly senile. Reports the Times:
We were so close to making it through a whole day believing that the pure joy of Obama's win had redeemed hipsters. That spontaneous post-election street celebration amongst Williamsburg's creative-class was both bad-ass and beautiful. Until the cops inevitably showed up. After all, the streets were completely blocked with people. In places like Harlem, Union Square and the East Village, clearing intersections seems to have gone pretty peacefully. But we've been getting shocked reports all day — police brutality against white kids! — and Brooklyn Vegan posted a comprehensive photo gallery of the festivities, including the copster-on-hipster clashes.One breathless account: "A few minutes after the riot cops rolled in, I saw one cop break a beer bottle on the ground with his baton for no reason at all amidst all the positive energy and celebrating crowd. I assumed for intimidation purposes." (Uh, how about for open-container-law purposes?) This is a perfect example of hipster overreach—you see, they deserve to block traffic in one of the densest cities on earth! We're all for reclaiming the streets—punk rock!—but the shock and indignation over some arrests only adds to the stereotype of the massive self-entitlement these relatively privileged young transplants possess. Brooklyn Vegan's commenters pretty much agreed:
Gavin McInnes, Williamsburg resident, co-founded the ur-hipster mag Vice and now blogs at Street Carnage. A recently-anointed U.S. citizen by way of Canada, he personifies the lackadaisical "who cares" voting attitude that we attribute to young hepcats—although the non-ironic celebrations in Williamsburg last night proved that stereotype all wrong. McInnes, weighing in for all the cynics out there, was happy to let Pop + Politics know why he didn't take the trouble to vote. First reason: he's 38, and voted one time in his native Canada: "It was an empty vote. I wrote nothing in the ballot."And also?
Every four years, for 200 years or so, American sat down to watch Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, or Tom Brokaw announce who the next president will be. Those anchors did it with authority, and the networks took their solemn duties seriously. Even when things went wrong, as in 2000, we could rely on those anchors to relate clearly and simply what was actually Going On. This year, though, was a goddamn mess. Jennings is dead, Brokaw's an ignored old man at a circus sideshow, and Rather was probably exiled to some channel only Dish Network subscribers get, or overseas. The options were CNN, the choice in 2004 of the world's most disappointed liberals, Fox News, a hideous death rattle already in progress, or MSNBC, where Pat Buchanan and Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews shout nonsense, nonstop. No one won. CNN had the holograms. What was that? What was the point of that? NBC lost Tim Russert this year, and we missed his whiteboard. It was definitely preferable to Chuck Todd—who we like!—standing on the holodeck with magical 3D graphic map that kept slowly turning from side to side for no reason. John King and his stupid magic map still serve no actual purpose. Meanwhile CNN refused to call any states too early, because of the 2004 debacle, even though no states were prematurely called in 2004, so to figure out that Obama won Pennsylvania and Ohio and hence the presidency (all before the polls closed on the West Coast!) you had to turn to MSNBC. And finally, Wolf Blitzer needs to get off of TV. He's everything that's wrong with CNN—a complete inability or unwillingness to ever say anything, just mindless equivalence and hedging and cliche, because CNN is the "unbiased" network. Gah. We're with Jack Shafer on this: Blitzer's infuriating. In 2012 we'll probably have to watch PBS. And then everyone loses.
The election was called early last night—but not so early that people weren't drunk off their asses, social-networking technology in hand. Many embarrassing and over-earnest prounouncements were Twittered and texted last night. Crying seemed to be a badge of pride for the melodramatic (don't want to see one more blog post about your tears of happiness), and everyone had Something to Say. (We'll admit that we did.) But now we have a snark-break hangover. Hackneyed revelations from the usual suspects were out in force:First off, our notoriously cold-hearted publisher Nick Denton just admitted that he cried last night. "And I'm not even a Democrat!" And there were a thousand different versions of this statement across the blogs: "I am so proud of all of you." Thanks, Mom. Here's another anonoblogging overshare: