Diners Are Too Expensive

Hamilton Nolan · 03/01/16 10:57AM

Diners: not a fast food restaurant, but also not a “real” restaurant. Something in between. Seems like it should be in between the price of fast food and a real restaurant. But is it?

Why Don't We Eat Cranberry Sauce All Year?

Hamilton Nolan · 11/24/14 12:44PM

It is almost Thanksgiving time. You know what that means: cranberry sauce on your plate! Soon, Thanksgiving will be over. Then there's no more cranberry sauce on your plate. What's the reason for this treason?

There's A Restaurant in D.C. Serving Bugs Today If You're Into That

Aleksander Chan · 06/04/14 10:45AM

As part of a PR stunt for Ehrlich Pest Control, 13 restaurants, including one in D.C., will become "pestaurants" and serve you dead bugs to eat. The goal, Ehrlich claims, is "to promote the health benefits of an insect rich diet already enjoyed by billions across the globe."

The Best Restaurant in New York Is LOX at The Jewish Museum

Caity Weaver · 03/27/14 12:40PM

There are a bunch of restaurants in the world, including some in New York City. But in a city of over 24,000 restaurants, how do you find the best? You begin your search in places that are already popular: New York's hottest tourist destinations. In The Best Restaurant in New York Is, writers Caity Weaver and Rich Juzwiak attempt to determine the best restaurant in New York.

Restaurants Are Full of Old People Now

Hamilton Nolan · 12/12/13 12:43PM

Hey, entitled "millennials," with your "organic" this and "artisanal" that and "farm to table" marijuana: you're not the bosses any more. Old folks have taken over American restaurants. Thank the lord.

Average American's Day Now Just a Parade of Meat Products

Hamilton Nolan · 08/26/13 09:55AM

Once upon a time, Americans sat together at tables thrice daily for "meals," during which nutritious food was consumed. Today, however, market research indicates that we prefer to simply have processed meat products shoveled into our mouths constantly throughout the day. By conveyor belt, if possible.

You Should Eat Horse

Cord Jefferson · 02/21/13 06:30PM

This horse meat scandal is sweeping Western Europe and quivering even the stiffest of upper lips in Britain. Some people are concerned that the horse meat in their microwaveable pasta dinners may be tainted with an equine anti-inflammatory called phenylbutazone, which in huge doses can cause health risks. But let's get real: Most people are just grossed out at the thought of eating horse meat instead of cow meat. That's stupid.

Don't Tell Me About Your Diet

Hamilton Nolan · 05/10/12 01:12PM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: eat to win, but keep it to yourself. Dig it.

A Simple Guide to Fake Meat

Hamilton Nolan · 03/12/12 11:45AM

Americans are eating less meat—12% less than five years ago. That's good news. Not only for sweet Bessie The Cow, whose mama will not be killed (quite so soon) by a bolt gun shot to the skull, but also for you, the intrepid herbivoracious culinary explorer.

Eating Nonstop Crap All Day 'The New Normal'

Hamilton Nolan · 11/22/11 11:35AM

In olden times, when Americans were forced to scavenge for food at "Supermarkets," people ate only three "meals" per day, that being the maximum number that the womenfolk could be goaded into preparing, no matter how much you beat them.

Grocery Store Produce Sections: Now Just For Looks

Hamilton Nolan · 10/20/11 12:08PM

Think of "fruits" and "vegetables" like parsley. Parsley is a vegetable. And here in America, we use fruit and vegetables the same way that we use parsley: as window dressing, as a little green thing that makes the real food (Cheez) look better.

What Does Your Choice of Casual Dining Chain Say About You?

Hamilton Nolan · 09/30/11 10:41AM

Interchangeable pseudofood joint Chili's—intent on "spicing up its brand"—is spending millions on a new ad campaign, one part of which is summed up thusly by the company's ad genius: "How he behaves is bold, how she behaves is bold, and the food we're featuring in the spot is boldly flavored."

Americans Love Paying More For Less Food

Hamilton Nolan · 07/12/11 10:58AM

If we as a nation were to answer the question, "What are your two biggest problems?" the response would be "We are fat and broke." Well, you can't have it all, America. But you can be broke and skinnier!