Glory-hole-inspecting sister site Fleshbot has selflessly subjected itself to the crimes against amateur celebrity pornography committed by opportunistic former Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond by reviewing Screeched, the "stolen" sex tape in which the actor supposedly lures a pair of stray bachelorette party revelers back to his motel room for an erotic adventure involving a bubble bath and the lighthearted defilement of a luck lady's upper lip with the feces of career-reviving desperation. The verdict? Unsurprisingly, the product is a letdown:
"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt appeared on Howard Stern's radio show this morning to plug Dustin Diamond's own entry into an already crowded field of celebrity sex tapes featuring furry, squeaky-voiced children's television stars. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated:
TMZ.com has unveiled the second installment of their de facto infomercial for the Screech sex tape, complete with a new clip from the video featuring Dustin Diamond's "co-stars." Luckily, their faces are pixelated, their voices digitally altered, and are only vaguely described as "from the heart of the Midwest and in their early 20's," which should at least temporarily forestall the unprecedented shame they will experience for accepting a gig that even the most emotionally ravaged porn star would refuse for the purpose of maintaining some elemental shred of dignity. (TMZ has also helpfully included celebrity smut-puddler David Hans Schmidt's entire promotional itinerary, so you'll know where you can next catch him hawking his wares.) As an alternative to the new preview footage, we offer this clip of SNL's Weekend Update coverage of the story, which while not all that funny, at least makes us feel less complicit in assisting Diamond's attempt to ride a Dirty Sanchez back to semi-fame. Isn't even a highly theoretical sex act sacred anymore?
TMZ.com has obtained (read: been given a copy of by the celebrity porn broker who's trying to sell it, and who's interviewed alongside the clip) a preview of the Screech sex tape, featuring 42 seconds of star Dustin Diamond soaking in a bathtub and then describing one of the video's featured sex acts to the camera. (Yeah, probably the Dirty Sanchez one.) For now, we can deal with the mildly scarring sight of Screech reclining in the tub, possibly in the early stages of sexual arousal. But we know that we'll eventually be required to watch the full video when it's eventually "leaked," a psychically scarring ordeal that will almost certainly permanently replace our happy, innocent memories of the Saved by the Bell gang sharing plates of French fries at The Max with nightmarish images of an imposingly bedonged Screech sodomizing a Jessie/Lisa tag-team as a self-gratifying Zach cheers them on.
Prepare yourselves, for all of Western civilization is about to destroyed by the latest, utterly irreparable tear in the washed-up-celebrity/amateur-sex-tape continuum. This morning's news of a forthcoming Dustin "Screech" Diamond fornication video certainly signals the end of days, not only because of the childhood nostalgia-annihilating debasement of its onetime child star, but because of the highly theoretical sex act supposedly performed by a person whose previous on-screen romantic entanglements were limited to a severe case of Lisa Turtle-supplied prepubescent blue balls.* Hoard the bottled water, cans of tuna fish, and currency in small denominations, for it just gets worse from here. Reports Rush & Molloy: