Are Doormen Necessary?

Brian Moylan & Hamilton Nolan · 09/08/11 01:10PM

People move to big, bad New York City, puff out their chests, and declare that they're ready to take on the world. If they can make it here, they can make it anywhere! But they can't make it without a smiling babysitter paid to open the door for them. Or can they?

Let's Ban 'Gang Members' From Public Property, Say White Guys

Hamilton Nolan · 08/17/11 09:21AM

Hey, why didn't anyone ever think of this before? Instead of just allowing gang members to go places and do things, tell them they can't go places and do things. Places are only for good people! Gang problem= solved!

Dad Angry Over Missing Cologne Gets Son Killed

Hamilton Nolan · 06/30/11 08:33AM

It's early, but this should be a lock for Most Awful Story of the Day: Isayah Muller (pictured) graduated from high school in the Bronx on Tuesday. Afterwards, he went out to a celebration dinner with his family. When his father, Andre, got back in the car after the dinner, he found that a $200 bottle of cologne was missing. Andre, with his family in the car, drove back to the parking garage where he'd been parked and confronted the attendants there, accusing them of stealing the cologne. They let him search the office. He couldn't find it. So, police say, he attacked one of the parking attendants, punching him. The other attendant grabbed a knife to defend his colleague.

NBC Hates God

Hamilton Nolan · 06/20/11 09:11AM

Patriotic Americans everywhere rushed home from church yesterday afternoon in order to tune into the "U.S. Open" golf tournament, knowing that god, in his infinite beneficence, would understand that enthusiasm for the "U.S. Open" is part and parcel of doing His work. Imagine their shock, then, when the NBC broadcasting network failed to include the words "under god" in their introductory segment for the "U.S. Open"—which, naturally, was a sickeningly sweet montage of pseudo-patriotic images up to and including American soldiers toting around carefully folded U.S. flags, as schoolchildren reverently recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Sickeningly patriotic, yes; but not sickeningly religious. To recap: Innocent, golf-loving American children were subjected, against their will, to a television montage of relentlessly patriotic symbology that did not include the words "under god" in its rote reenactment of our national indoctrination rites.

Hawaii: Guide Book Writers Are Responsible for Tourists Being Dumb

Hamilton Nolan · 04/22/11 04:25PM

People like to go to Hawaii. It's nicer there than where they live. When they go to Hawaii, they get guidebooks, and go to the places that the guidebooks recommend. Sometimes, some people fall down and get hurt at the places they read about in the guidebooks. How to solve this tourists-getting-hurt-sometimes problem? By making the guidebook people pay.

Animal Hats Not Going Away For Some Reason

Hamilton Nolan · 03/03/11 04:34PM

Jesus Christ: According to the final word in trendwatching, the New York Times Style section, those god damn hats with animal faces and animal ears on them that make the wearer appear to be a mentally feeble four year-old girl "are a trend that shows no sign of going away."

Paste Magazine Freelancers Are Getting Screwed

Hamilton Nolan · 09/09/10 12:49PM

In your class warrior Thursday media column: the media is congenitally unable to stop covering stupid stories, Mississippi's Fresh Air censor resigns, more theories of David Westin's departure, and Paste magazine freelancers are left high and dry.