Lutheran Pastor Apologizes for Sharing Stage With 'False Religions' After Newtown Massacre

Hamilton Nolan · 02/08/13 09:50AM

After the massacre at Sandy Hook elementary school last year, even the most devout religious people had cause to momentarily question their faith. Why would a loving god allow something so awful to happen? So, afterwards, Newtown, Connecticut held an interfaith service at which many different religions were represented. Now, the Lutheran guy is apologizing for attending.

Caity Weaver · 11/06/12 05:54PM

Rihanna and Chris Brown are collaborating on a song called "Nobodies Business." It's about a start-up owned by nobodies.

Ayo Chet Haze Isn't Down With Weak Kids Who Kill Themselves

Hamilton Nolan · 05/09/12 10:49AM

So then, let's all, in unison, read this thing written on the Twitter yesterday (and then deleted) by Chet Haze, the best rapping son of an Academy Award winner Northwestern University has seen since Peter Fonda drunkenly performed "My Adidas" on the quad in 1986. This could be Chet Haze's most controversial piece of Twitter wisdom since "What's your sex playlist called? Mines called 'we fuckin' LOL I'm serious tho."

PR Dummies: Survey Says, 'Nobody Gives a Shit'

Hamilton Nolan · 04/13/12 11:57AM

The public relations industry is the birthplace of nutrition-free filler that grows up to become pseudonews. Sometimes, it can be a terrifying thing to behold in its rawest form. This is PR Dummies. The dumbth of PR, every week.

Newspaper Fires Reporter for Showing Mild Sense of Enthusiasm

Hamilton Nolan · 04/12/12 09:12AM

Khristopher J. Brooks is a young reporter who was excited to be hired by the Delaware News-Journal last week. In a playful little gesture, he wrote up a fake "press release" on his own personal Tumblr announcing, "On Wednesday April 4, 2012, the News Journal Media Group acquired veteran education reporter Khristopher J. Brooks." He included some quotes about his career and background on the paper itself. For this, he was immediately fired, because NEWSPAPER WORK MUST NEVER BE FUN.

People Are Taking Out Student Loans to Pay for Kindergarten

Hamilton Nolan · 03/28/12 03:28PM

This qualifies as a bit of a vague, not totally well-established-in-a-statistical-way trend; but the fact that it exists at all for one single person in America is, I believe, newsworthy. Families are taking out tens of thousands of dollars worth of loans in order to pay for private kindergarten for their whelps. That is some fucked up shit.

Dogs Need to Shut Up About Cats

Hamilton Nolan · 01/30/12 01:23PM

It's like hey, dogs, we get it. You hate cats. Fine. We heard you the first time and the second time and the one millionth time, with the barking. Maybe you should bark at a cat again? No, you should shut up!

The Year in Dumb, Convoluted, and Non-Terrifying Terror Plots

Hamilton Nolan · 01/10/12 02:00PM

Once again this week, the FBI has foiled an incredibly unconvincing terror plot replete with plans that fail to strike fear in the heart of any American. Sami Osmakac, a 25 year-old in Tampa, Florida, has been arrested for allegedly plotting to destroy bridges and bomb nightclubs in the name of Islam. Anyone who's been to Florida knows that destroying nightclubs in Tampa would be a great public service, to the United States of America.

Chelsea Clinton's Super Boring TV Debut

Hamilton Nolan · 12/13/11 11:20AM

Yeah, last night was the TV debut of Chelsea Clinton, NBC's newest """""journalist.""""" All you non-famous kids out there who saddled yourselves with a lifetime of debt in order to pay for journalism school, who are now either unemployed or underemployed or stuck at some boring dead end niche publication wondering how your journalism dream turned out so differently than you imagined: maybe Chelsea Clinton will put you in one of her charity news segments on teevee one day. That would be a dream come true for you.

Kids These Days Know Nothing About the Civil Rights Movement

Hamilton Nolan · 09/28/11 08:36AM

Half a century ago, heroes like Martin Luther X and Rose Park risked their lives by marching on top of lunch counters so that kids of all races would one day have the right to catch a few "Z's" in class while the teacher showed a filmstrip of the "I Have a Dream" speech. And how do kids these days repay those civil rights heroes? By not knowing a damn thing about them.

On Poems That Have Nothing to Do With Their Titles

Hamilton Nolan · 09/20/11 11:22AM

We are uncouth. As is most of America. We are not highly literate; we are middlebrow and low-minded. But still. Do not try to trick us into reading shitty poems with an enticing title. We do not like that.