Thatz Not Okay: Can I Fuck My High School Enemy's Dad?

Caity Weaver · 03/31/14 11:00AM

So there was this girl that I went to high school with, and basically she was/is a homophobic, mouth breathing waste of space that made my life at the time rather miserable. Anywho, recently I was on Grindr (like half my day at work) and I happened upon her still rather handsome/DILF-esque father. I messaged him and we struck up a conversation, although it's pretty obvious he has no idea who I am (though to tell the truth I have been a bit vague about some of the facts). I'm considering banging him, and then disclosing said banging to a few select individuals, knowing it would make its way back to her. Is that okay?

Foreign Idiots Can't Get Enough of Our Wine

Hamilton Nolan · 02/26/14 10:58AM

No disrespect to people in foreign countries, but they are approximately the world's biggest suckers, when it comes to believing things about America. No, all Americans are not cowboys; we don't all own guns, and work at Disney Land; and we certainly don't make any good wine.

Hamilton Nolan · 01/10/14 12:17PM

"Still, there's a general sense that the drugs of choice for writers now are more often little blue pills than big brown bottles," writes Adam Gopnik, adding "(You can take the pill, and then send the kids to school.)" So those little blue pills would be, uh... Viagra? Valium? Please don't let it be Viagra.

Except For Dinner Last Night, I Haven't Had a Drink This Year

Ken Layne · 01/02/14 06:00PM

Alcohol plays a large role in everyone's life. We use it to clean our many wounds, and we add certain percentages of the stuff to our gasoline, within certain states where that's required by regulations. Some of us even drink alcohol, for pleasure or otherwise. But you can count me out of that last group. For all of this year, so far, I have been "on the wagon."

Sarah Hedgecock · 12/29/13 09:40PM

Just in time for cold season, a new study reveals that moderate drinking can boost the immune system. We trust you'll use this information wisely come New Year's Eve.

Drinking Lots and Lots of Wine May Prevent Earth's Spermpocalypse

Ken Layne · 12/11/13 12:47PM

Important new research proves that drinking lots and lots of wine every week makes men have "stronger sperm." This means the sperm is more likely to reach its "goal," which is some part of a lady, if the sperm was ejaculated in the general direction of a lady.

Lacey Donohue · 10/29/13 09:51PM

If you rely on wine to relax, date, dance, sleep, have fun, and/or comment on the internet, your life is going to fall apart. We're facing a global wine shortage and it's only going to get worse.

Michigan Law Would Guarantee All Pints of Beer Are 16 Ounces

Lacey Donohue · 10/07/13 08:41PM

The federal government might be shut down but Michigan lawmakers are hard at work protecting our right to a good value. Rep. David Knezek (D-Dearborn Heights) and Rep. Brandon Dillon (D-Grand Rapids) have written a proposal to amend the state Liquor Control Act to make sure that when a pint of beer is offered at a bar or restaurant, customers are getting an “honest pint.”

Study: You Are Drinking So Much Wine

Hamilton Nolan · 09/30/13 03:57PM

Lah dee da, look at you, Ms. Classy, sipping on some wine, right out of a wine glass. No pulls of Popov straight from the bottle for you! Only the best, when it comes to drinking. The fact is, ma'am, you are drunk. And no wonder. You have no idea how much you're drinking.

Drinkers These Days Love Disgusting Flavored Booze

Hamilton Nolan · 09/18/13 08:50AM

America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."

Study: White Country Boys are the Drunkest

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/13 04:06PM

Those of you who were fortunate enough to attend a high school with white, rural, male students will be unsurprised to learn that white, rural, male high school students are wasted. So, so wasted.

Lacey Donohue · 09/15/13 09:26PM

If your kid develops language skills at an early age, chances are he’ll also develop drinking skills at a much earlier age. Or so says the latest study that correlates early intellectual development with heavier drinking habits.

Hamilton Nolan · 08/12/13 04:05PM

A new study shows that raising cigarette taxes may also lead to lower alcohol consumption, because if you can't chain smoke while getting drunk, then fuck it.

University of Iowa Named America's Top College for Getting Bombed

Cord Jefferson · 08/05/13 03:45PM

One of America's strangest educational rituals—assessing which of our nation's fucked-up college students get the most fucked up—is upon us again. And this year, Iowa City's University of Iowa has been picked by the Princeton Review as the drunkest and raging-est institute of higher learning the United States has to offer. Congratulations, U of I! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!