An unnamed Michigan Tech student who’s been giving interviews under the alias “Mark” got blackout drunk Friday night and stumbled home to his roommate. This would hardly be news—Mark puts his pants on one leg at a time and drinks to sloppy excess just like the rest of us—but when Mark puts his pants on and drinks to sloppy excess, he designs entire fucking airplanes.
The owner of a French bar is facing charges of “manslaughter by willful neglect” after a patron took 56 shots of liquor in one night to break the establishment’s posted record. The 57-year-old drinking champ later died at home of a heart attack, and his daughter says the bar owner had been cheering him on.
Last time on Manhattan’s Drunkest Brunches, daytime cocktail peddler Pranna was at risk of losing its liquor license after its Madison Avenue neighbors complained about customers’ belligerent, bottomless-mimosa-soaked antics. A notable incident involving a drunk NYU student who claimed to be the heir “half of fucking Manhattan” certainly wasn’t helping their case.
An Ole Miss football fan, apparently sorrowfully tired and perhaps a bit blotto after the team's loss to Texas Christian University in the Peach Bowl last week, decided to call Uber, the official car service of Capitalism™, for a ride home from the game. No big deal, except that the game was in Atlanta, and this Ole Miss fan lived in, as you might expect, Mississippi. He woke up to find he'd paid Uber $908 for the lift to his bed.
At the urging of a "friend," this presumably inebriated definitely idiot attempted to scale the half-bicycle mounted 12 feet up—for decorative purposes only, it should be emphasized—on the façade of RV&E Bikes in Canandaigua, New York. You already know what happened next.
While South Park was busy crapping all over addictive "free-to-play" mobile games designed to entice you into spending dumptrucks full of money for the full experience, they also managed to hit the alcohol industry with some of the splashback. This poop metaphor is breaking down fast, so here's what actually happened:
Meet the new King of Wales, Will Williams. He recently consumed an entire bottle of Jack Daniel's in just shy of 15 seconds, which, I'm given to understand, entitles him to some kind of sword-in-the-stone style claim on the monarchy that supersedes the current hereditary system. And makes Wales independent, for some reason. Congratulations/sorry, Wales!
The ostensible story behind this video is that a man heard his wife coming home in the middle of the night and recorded her "making grilled cheeses" by melting string cheese over a plateful of goldfish crackers while swigging wine and insisting she's not drunk.
The London Zoo is being investigated after allegations that drunken, lucrative after-hours parties are putting the animals' welfare in danger. Hammered, sometimes naked guests have repeatedly tried to enter animal enclosures, and in one case, "a beer [was] thrown over a tiger," the Guardian reports.